There’s a fine line between being polite and showing a lack of emotional intelligence.
Often, we think we’re being courteous, but our words can unknowingly suggest otherwise. It’s not about manipulation, but about understanding the impact of what we say.
So, I’m going to share with you ten phrases that might seem polite on the surface. However, they could actually be revealing a lack of emotional intelligence.
These phrases are common, but with a little insight, you could avoid unintentional rudeness and truly display thoughtfulness.
Let’s dive right in.
1) “Calm down”
We’ve all heard it, and most of us have probably used this phrase at some point in our lives. It might seem like a polite way to deescalate a situation, but in reality, it tends to have the opposite effect.
Telling someone to “calm down” dismisses their feelings and can come off as patronizing. It suggests that you don’t understand or empathize with their emotional state, which is a key aspect of emotional intelligence.
Instead, a phrase like “I can see you’re upset” acknowledges their feelings and shows that you’re willing to understand their point of view. This small change in dialogue can make a significant difference in communication, and more importantly, show a higher level of emotional intelligence.
2) “No offense, but…”
This phrase is a classic one. I’ve used it myself in the past, thinking it was a polite way to deliver criticism or negative feedback. But when I started studying emotional intelligence, I realized it wasn’t as harmless as I thought.
“No offense, but…” is often a prelude to offensive or harsh comments. It’s like we’re trying to soften the blow, but it doesn’t mask the negative message that comes after. In fact, it can even amplify it, making the receiver brace for something even worse.
I remember once saying to a colleague, “No offense, but I think your idea won’t work.” Looking back, I can see how this could have been demotivating and disrespectful. Now, I would handle it differently: “I appreciate your idea. Can I suggest another perspective for consideration?”
This approach not only respects their contribution but also opens up a dialogue for constructive discussion, showing emotional intelligence.
3) “I’m sorry you feel that way”
This might seem like a polite way to respond when someone is upset, but it can actually be quite dismissive. It subtly implies that the person’s feelings are their own problem and not a result of your actions.
According to psychological studies, effective apologies contain three elements: an acknowledgment of the offense, a statement of regret, and a request for forgiveness. But the phrase “I’m sorry you feel that way” fails to acknowledge any wrongdoing.
A better approach might be to say, “I’m sorry for what I did. It was not my intention to upset you.” This not only acknowledges the offense but also expresses genuine regret, ticking all the boxes of a sincere apology and showing emotional intelligence.
4) “You always…” or “You never…”
These phrases might seem like a harmless way to point out patterns of behavior, but they can actually be quite destructive.
Using absolutes like “always” or “never” in criticisms exaggerates the issue and can make the other person feel attacked. It focuses on the person’s character rather than their actions, which can come off as accusatory rather than constructive.
A more emotionally intelligent approach would be to address the specific behavior that is problematic, rather than generalizing the person’s character. For instance, instead of saying “You’re always late,” you could say, “I noticed that you were late for our meeting today. Is everything okay?” This shows concern for the other person and opens up a discussion instead of placing blame.
5) “It’s not a big deal”
While this phrase might seem like a way to soothe someone’s worries, it can easily come off as dismissive. Just because something might not be a big deal to you, doesn’t mean it’s not a big deal to someone else.
By saying “it’s not a big deal,” you’re essentially invalidating the other person’s feelings or concerns, which can make them feel unheard or unimportant.
In contrast, an emotionally intelligent response would be to listen and validate their feelings. For example, you could say, “I can see that this is really important to you. Let’s talk about it more.” By doing this, you’re showing empathy and understanding – key components of emotional intelligence.
6) “Just kidding”
We often use this phrase after making a comment that might be hurtful or offensive, thinking it will alleviate the impact. But the truth is, it seldom does.
The phrase “just kidding” can actually add salt to the wound, implying that the other person shouldn’t be upset because it was “just a joke.” It’s a way of avoiding responsibility for our words and their impact on others.
A more emotionally intelligent way to handle such a situation is to apologize sincerely if you realize you’ve said something hurtful, even unintentionally. Saying something like, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you with my comment” shows empathy and understanding, and acknowledges the impact of your words.
It’s important to remember that our words carry weight, and even when said in jest, they can have a big impact on others. Emotional intelligence is all about being aware of this impact and choosing our words wisely.
7) “I’m fine”
This is a phrase I’ve used more times than I can count. When someone asks how I’m doing, “I’m fine” is often my default response, even when it’s not entirely true.
While it may seem polite to avoid burdening others with our problems, this phrase can actually create a barrier to genuine connection. It sends the message that we’re not open to sharing our feelings or discussing deeper issues.
Instead, if we’re comfortable doing so, being honest about our feelings can lead to more meaningful connections and conversations. A response like, “Actually, I’ve been better. I’ve been feeling a bit stressed lately” opens up the door for a more authentic interaction.
In the end, emotional intelligence isn’t just about understanding others; it’s about understanding ourselves and being honest about our own emotions too.
8) “I know exactly how you feel”
We often use this phrase when we’re trying to show empathy. We think that by telling someone we’ve been in their shoes, it helps them feel understood. But surprisingly, it can sometimes have the opposite effect.
When we say, “I know exactly how you feel”, we’re assuming that our experiences and emotions are the same as the other person’s. But everyone’s experiences and emotions are unique and personal.
A more emotionally intelligent approach might be to say, “I can’t imagine exactly what you’re going through, but I’m here to support you.” This shows empathy and understanding without making assumptions about the other person’s feelings. It acknowledges their unique experience and offers support, which can go a long way in building emotional connections.
9) “That’s just the way I am”
This phrase might seem like a simple way to explain our behavior, but it can actually come off as dismissive and resistant to change.
When we say, “That’s just the way I am,” we’re essentially refusing to take responsibility for our actions or consider how they might affect others. It suggests a lack of self-awareness and a reluctance to grow or improve.
On the other hand, showing emotional intelligence involves recognizing the impact of our behavior on others and being open to change. It might be more helpful to say something like, “I didn’t realize my actions had that effect. I’ll try to be more mindful in the future.” This shows a willingness to learn and grow, which is a key aspect of emotional intelligence.
10) “Whatever”
This phrase may seem like a casual way to end a disagreement, but it can often feel dismissive and disrespectful.
“Whatever” closes the door on meaningful conversation and resolution. It signals a lack of interest in the other person’s perspective or feelings.
Instead, emotional intelligence encourages us to engage in open, respectful dialogue, even when we disagree. Saying something like, “Let’s agree to disagree, but I value your perspective,” acknowledges the disagreement but also respects the other person’s viewpoint.
Remember, emotional intelligence is about understanding and respecting not only our own feelings but also those of others. And our words play a crucial role in that process.
Final Thoughts
Renowned psychologist and author Daniel Goleman, who popularized the concept of emotional intelligence, posits that our EQ (Emotional Quotient) can be more impactful than our IQ in determining personal and professional success.
Perhaps, the key to this success lies in our choice of words. The phrases we’ve explored might seem innocuous, even polite, but their potential to reveal a lack of emotional intelligence is noteworthy.
It’s about understanding that our words are not just a means of communication, but a reflection of our empathy and emotional maturity. It’s about recognizing that what we say, how we say it, and when we say it can either foster connection or create division.
So, the next time you’re about to say “I’m fine,” or “Whatever,” take a pause. Reflect on your words. Consider their impact.
Because harnessing the power of emotional intelligence could be as simple – and as complex – as choosing the right words.
