Emotional intelligence isn’t about sounding smart. It’s about being aware of, expressing, and controlling our own emotions, as well as being aware of and empathetic to others’ emotions.
Often, people use phrases that make them sound intellectually bright, but these phrases can sometimes reveal a lack of emotional intelligence.
Here’s the catch – some of these phrases may sound smart on the surface, but they can actually be quite damaging. They can reveal a lack of understanding and empathy towards others’ feelings.
In this article, I’ll discuss 10 phrases that might sound smart but are actually red flags for lacking emotional intelligence.
Let’s dive in.
1) I know exactly how you feel
Being empathetic is essential, but claiming to know exactly how someone feels? That can be a red flag for lacking emotional intelligence.
Here’s the thing – no two people experience emotions or situations in exactly the same way. Even if you’ve been through a similar situation, saying “I know exactly how you feel” can undermine the other person’s feelings and experiences.
It might sound like a smart, empathetic statement, but it can come across as dismissive and presumptive, revealing a lack of emotional intelligence.
Instead, try phrases like “I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you” or “I’m here for you”. These convey empathy without assuming you know exactly what they’re going through.
Emotional intelligence is about understanding and respecting others’ feelings, not claiming to have experienced them yourself.
2) Just calm down
I remember a time when a friend was sharing with me her frustrations about her job. Being the ‘problem solver’ that I am, I thought the best advice would be to tell her to “just calm down” and look at the situation objectively.
At face value, it might seem like smart advice, right? But in retrospect, I realize it was a clear sign of lacking emotional intelligence.
By telling her to “calm down”, I was indirectly dismissing her feelings. Instead of acknowledging her emotions and offering support, I was trying to suppress her emotional reaction.
While it’s key to stay cool under pressure, instructing someone else to “calm down” often does more harm than good. It can make them feel unheard and invalidated.
A better approach would be saying something like “I understand why you’re upset. Let’s try to find a solution together.” This acknowledges their feelings and offers support without undermining their emotions.
3) Failure is not an option
“Failure is not an option” may sound like a motivational mantra, a way to push towards success. But in reality, it paints a picture of a world where making mistakes is unacceptable.
Interestingly, research by Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck shows that people with a “growth mindset” – those who see failure as an opportunity to learn and grow – are more likely to be successful in the long run.
This phrase denies the importance of failure as part of the learning process. It implies that people should be perfect and never make mistakes, which is quite unrealistic and can lead to stress and fear of trying new things.
Instead, phrases like “mistakes are stepping stones to success” or “it’s okay to fail, as long as we learn from it” encourage growth and learning, demonstrating higher emotional intelligence.
4) That’s not my problem
The phrase “that’s not my problem” might sound assertive, like you know how to set boundaries. However, it can come across as dismissive and lacking in empathy, indicating a deficiency in emotional intelligence.
When someone shares a problem with us, they aren’t always looking for us to solve it. Sometimes, they just need to feel heard and understood. Saying “that’s not my problem” can make them feel dismissed and unsupported.
Instead, try responses like “I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this” or “How can I support you?”. These phrases convey empathy and willingness to help, key traits of emotional intelligence.
5) I told you so
“I told you so” is a phrase that can be quite damaging to relationships. While it might sound smart, like you had foresight, it can come across as condescending and lacking in empathy.
When someone is already feeling down about a mistake or a wrong decision, hearing “I told you so” only adds salt to the wound. It doesn’t offer any comfort, support or solution. It only emphasizes their failure.
A more emotionally intelligent response might be “What do you think you could do differently next time?” or “We all make mistakes, let’s figure out how to move forward”. These responses focus on learning and growth instead of dwelling on past mistakes.
6) It could be worse
When trying to console someone, “it could be worse” might seem like a smart thing to say. The intention is often to help the person see that things aren’t as bad as they seem. But this phrase instead reveals a lack of emotional intelligence.
This statement can unintentionally belittle someone’s feelings and experiences. It’s like saying that their problems aren’t significant enough or that they shouldn’t feel upset because others have it worse.
A more compassionate response could be, “I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It sounds very tough.” This acknowledges their feelings and offers empathy, showing emotional intelligence. Remember, it’s not about comparing sufferings but understanding and validating emotions.
7) It’s just business
Once, I had to let go of a team member due to budget cuts. It was a difficult decision, and I found myself saying “It’s just business.”
While this phrase might sound smart or professional, it can be a mask for avoiding emotional responsibility. It suggests that personal feelings or impacts don’t matter in the face of business decisions.
But businesses are made of people, with emotions and lives outside of work. Instead of distancing yourself from the emotional impact, acknowledging the difficulty of the situation shows more emotional intelligence. Phrases like “I understand this is tough news” or “I wish circumstances were different” can be more empathetic and sincere.
8) I don’t care what others think
On the surface, “I don’t care what others think” seems to exude confidence and self-assuredness. But it can actually signal a lack of emotional intelligence.
Emotionally intelligent people value feedback and understand the importance of considering different perspectives. They know that caring about what others think isn’t about people-pleasing or seeking approval, but about understanding, learning, and growing.
Instead of saying you don’t care what others think, try communicating that you value your own opinion while still considering the perspectives of others. A phrase like “I value my perspective but I’m open to feedback” shows more emotional intelligence.
9) You’re too sensitive
Labeling someone as “too sensitive” is a common way people dismiss others’ feelings or reactions. It might sound like a smart, objective observation, but it actually reveals a lack of emotional intelligence.
Emotionally intelligent people understand that everyone has different emotional thresholds and reactions. They don’t diminish someone’s feelings by labeling them as overly sensitive.
Instead, try to understand why the person might be feeling the way they do. Respond with phrases like “I see this really matters to you” or “Help me understand your feelings better”. These show respect for their emotions and a willingness to understand, which are hallmarks of emotional intelligence.
10) That’s just how I am
The phrase “That’s just how I am” might sound like someone who is self-aware and unapologetically authentic. However, it can also be an excuse for not trying to improve or change negative behaviors.
Emotional intelligence is all about self-awareness, self-regulation, and a willingness to grow. Saying “That’s just how I am” can signal a resistance to growth and a lack of understanding about the impact of one’s actions on others.
Instead, acknowledging areas for improvement and showing a willingness to work on them demonstrates emotional intelligence. Phrases like “I’m working on that aspect of myself” or “I appreciate your patience as I try to improve” are more constructive and emotionally intelligent responses.
