There’s a profound difference between someone being in love with the real you and someone who’s merely in love with the idea of you.
The difference? It’s all about authenticity and acceptance. When someone is in love with the idea of you, they tend to idealize you, ignoring your flaws and creating an unrealistic image of you in their mind.
But when someone truly loves you, they see and appreciate your imperfections, loving you for who you are in reality.
Understanding this distinction can help us navigate relationships more effectively and avoid heartache. So, let’s delve into seven behaviors that may suggest someone is infatuated with an idealized version of you, rather than the real thing.
Through this journey, we’ll gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and others, fostering resilience and balance in our personal and professional lives.
1) They idealize you
It’s an intriguing phenomenon when someone seems to put you on a pedestal, showering you with praise and adoration.
But when that admiration starts to border on idealization, it might be a sign they’re in love with the idea of you, not the reality.
Idealization involves creating a fantasy image of someone, often ignoring their flaws and human complexities. It’s like drawing a picture of a person based on unrealistic standards, where imperfections are conveniently erased.
Think about it. It’s like reviewing a product online based only on its advertised features, not on its actual performance or shortcomings.
When someone truly loves you, they acknowledge and accept your strengths and weaknesses. They love you for who you are in reality, not just for the idealized image they’ve created in their mind.
If you find someone continually praising you without acknowledging your flaws or vulnerabilities, be cautious. They might be more in love with their idealized version of you than the real person behind the image.
2) They’re infatuated with your potential
I remember an old relationship of mine where my partner seemed more in love with the ‘future me’ than the ‘present me’.
She would constantly talk about how I could be a successful entrepreneur, a public speaker, a best-selling author, even though at that time, I was still finding my footing in my career and hadn’t even thought of venturing into those paths.
It wasn’t about supporting my dreams or pushing me to reach my potential. Instead, she was projecting her own fantasies on me, creating a vision of who she wanted me to become.
This is another sign – they’re infatuated more with your potential or what you could become, rather than who you are right now.
Being supportive is one thing; it’s healthy and necessary in any relationship. But when someone only focuses on your future self and disregards your present self, it may mean they’re not really in love with the real you.
3) They don’t handle conflict well
When someone is in love with an idealized version of you, they often struggle to handle conflict or disagreements. This is because the presence of conflict shatters the illusion of perfection they’ve created.
In reality, disagreements are a normal part of any relationship.
In fact, according to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, couples who argue effectively are 10 times more likely to have a happy relationship than those who sweep difficult issues under the rug.
So, if you notice that someone constantly avoids conflict or attempts to smooth things over without addressing the underlying issue, it’s a sign they might be in love with an idealized image of you.
They’re attempting to maintain the perfect picture they’ve painted in their mind, rather than acknowledging and embracing the messy reality of human relationships.
4) They’re more focused on their feelings than yours
Being in love isn’t just about how you feel; it’s about caring for the other person’s feelings and well-being too.
However, when someone is in love with the idea of you, they tend to focus more on their feelings. They talk about how happy you make them feel, how they’ve never felt this way before, or how you complete them.
While this might seem romantic at first, it’s a sign they’re more infatuated with the feeling of being in love than actually loving you.
True love involves empathy and understanding. It’s not just about how you make them feel, but also about their genuine interest in your feelings, your thoughts, your world.
So, if you notice someone constantly talking about their feelings without showing much interest in understanding yours, they might be more in love with the idea of being in love with you rather than truly loving you.
5) They don’t know the real you
Years ago, I was in a relationship with someone who seemed to love everything about me. Yet, every time I tried to share my fears, my insecurities, or even my little quirks, I felt unheard.
It was as if she had created this perfect image of me in his mind, and anything that didn’t fit into that image was dismissed or ignored.
This is a common behavior in people who are in love with the idea of someone. They create a narrative about who you are, and when reality clashes with that narrative, they choose to ignore the reality.
When someone truly loves you, they want to know all of you – the good, the bad, the quirky. They listen when you share your fears, your dreams, your insecurities. They want to understand you on a deeper level.
And if you’re sharing your inner world with someone and they seem uninterested or dismissive, it’s a sign they might be in love with an idea of you, not the real you.
6) They struggle with change
Change is a natural part of life. We all evolve, grow, and change with time. It’s how we learn, adapt, and become better versions of ourselves.
But when someone is in love with the idea of you, they often struggle to accept these changes. They resist any deviation from the image they’ve built in their minds.
This is because their love isn’t rooted in your reality, but rather in the fixed idea they have of you.
So if you notice someone having a hard time accepting your growth or changes, it could be a sign that they’re more in love with the idea of you. Real love embraces change and growth; it doesn’t resist it.
Remember, being truly loved means being loved for who you are now and who you are becoming, not just for who you were.
7) They’re not truly present with you
The most telling sign that someone is in love with the idea of you is their lack of presence.
When someone truly loves you, they engage with you in the here and now. They listen to you, understand your emotions, share experiences with you, and are fully present in each moment.
But when someone is in love with an idea, they’re often lost in their thoughts or fantasies. Their mind tends to wander, and they’re not fully engaged in the relationship.
Being present isn’t about physical proximity; it’s about emotional connection and being attuned to each other’s feelings and needs.
If someone seems disconnected or detached, despite being physically close, it’s a clear indication they might be more enamored with the idea of you than with your true self.
Final reflection: It’s about authenticity
The dynamics of human relationships are complex and layered, often intertwined with our perceptions, emotions, and personal experiences.
At the heart of it all is the concept of authenticity. Authentic love isn’t just about accepting the good in someone, but also their flaws, their quirks, their ever-evolving selves.
Renowned psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” This holds true for loving others as well.
When we love someone for who they truly are, not an idealized version of them, we create a space for genuine connection and growth. It’s in this space that love thrives and relationships deepen.
As you navigate your own relationships, remember to seek and offer this authenticity.
To love and be loved for who you are in reality, not just in someone’s idea of you, is perhaps one of the most beautiful experiences life has to offer.
