If you’re reading this, perhaps you’re at your wit’s end dealing with the attitudes and behaviors of your grown children.
Whether it’s a daughter who never takes responsibility, a son who’s perpetually disrespectful, or a child who always seems to find a way to manipulate you – we’ve all faced these frustrating scenarios.
My first encounter with this was my eldest son who would always twist the narrative to make himself the victim in every situation.
I tried reasoning, setting boundaries, and even sought professional help — but nothing seemed to work.
In the end, I had to make some tough decisions for my own sanity.
Dealing with intolerable behavior from adult children can be overwhelming, but psychology offers some insightful strategies.
Here are a few key pointers I wish someone had shared with me earlier.
1) Establish clear boundaries
I’ll be the first to confess this was an area I struggled with when dealing with my adult child’s behavior.
I was setting boundaries…but they were blurry and inconsistent.
I was trying to navigate the delicate balance of being a supportive parent and maintaining my own peace of mind.
However, in order to effectively manage such intolerable behaviors, it’s crucial to establish clear and unwavering boundaries.
This may involve defining what is acceptable behavior under your roof, or outlining the consequences of not respecting these rules.
While this may seem like a complex task, it’s incredibly vital as it sets the foundation for all other strategies that will follow in this list.
This isn’t about being harsh or uncompromising, but rather about fostering mutual respect and understanding within the family unit.
2) Don’t enable their behavior
Reflecting on the early days of my struggle with my adult child’s behavior, I realize I was unknowingly enabling him.
I was always there to bail him out of trouble, always ready to lend an ear when he complained about his latest woes.
I thought I was just being a supportive parent.
This, I now understand, was counterproductive. I was an enabler.
It seems like common sense, doesn’t it?
Indeed, it is. Truth be told, I likely knew it wasn’t the best approach back then, but it was the easiest path to take.
It’s surprisingly easy to fall into this trap when dealing with our own children.
So what should we do instead?
Don’t enable their behavior. We can still show we care and are there for them without encouraging their unacceptable behavior.
Focus on their feelings rather than their actions.
Instead of saying, “I understand why you did that,” change it to “I understand why you’re upset,” or “It sounds like you’re really stressed.”
By doing this, we avoid endorsing their negative behavior while still showing that we’re there for them emotionally.
3) Encourage personal responsibility
In hindsight, one of the greatest mistakes I made while dealing with my adult child’s intolerable behavior was not encouraging personal responsibility.
I was always there to pick up the pieces, always ready to fix things. Consequently, this only led to a cycle of dependency.
Now I understand that my approach, though well-intended, was flawed. I was hindering him from taking responsibility for his actions.
Seems like a no-brainer, doesn’t it?
Indeed, it does. Deep down, I probably knew this at the time, but it was easier to solve the problems than to watch him struggle.
It’s a trap many of us parents fall into.
So what’s the alternative?
Encourage personal responsibility. We can support them without doing everything for them.
Instead of immediately stepping in to resolve their issues, we can guide them towards finding their own solutions.
This way, we not only help them grow as individuals but also prevent ourselves from being stuck in a cycle of enabling and dependency.
4) Embrace their failures
Looking back, one of the most pivotal realizations I had was understanding that my child’s failures were not my own.
As a parent, it’s instinctive to want to shield our children from any harm or distress, even when they’re adults.
However, this overprotective nature of mine did more harm than good.
Instead of allowing him to experience the natural consequences of his actions, I would swoop in and try to smooth things over.
But that only delayed his growth and development.
The best approach?
Embrace their failures. Every setback is an opportunity for them to learn and grow.
Rather than trying to prevent them from failing, guide them in learning valuable lessons from their mistakes.
It’s about giving them the tools to pick themselves up and move forward stronger than before.
Their journey is their own, and every failure is a step towards becoming a more resilient adult.
5) Practice open communication
In the midst of my struggle with my adult child’s behavior, I realized the power of open and honest communication.
I had spent so much time focusing on his actions that I had forgotten to engage in meaningful dialogue about why he was acting that way.
Instead of creating a safe space for him to express his feelings and thoughts, I often jumped straight to reprimanding or advising him.
This, I now understand, only pushed him further away.
What’s the better approach?
Practice open communication. Allow them to voice their thoughts and feelings without immediate judgement or advice.
Ask them how they feel about their behavior and what they believe could be done differently.
6) Reinforce positive behavior
When dealing with a grown child whose behavior is consistently challenging, it’s draining. Believe me, I know.
It can be so exhausting that we might miss the small moments of progress they are making.
However, it’s crucial to keep an eye out for these glimmers of hope, no matter how infrequent they might appear.
In situations where your adult child is acting out, recognizing and appreciating moments when they display maturity, responsibility, or a change in attitude can encourage more positive behavior moving forward.
We often underestimate the power of positive reinforcement. However, with patience and persistence, reinforcing these small improvements can have a cumulative effect.
It’s all about celebrating the small victories. Just ensure that your praise is sincere and specific.
While this point is placed towards the end of the list, it’s actually one of the most critical tactics to employ when dealing with challenging behaviors from your adult children.
7) Take care of yourself
Yes, you read that right. You.
Constantly dealing with a grown child whose behavior is intolerable can take a toll on your own mental health.
This is especially true when the person causing the stress is someone as close to you as your own child.
If you don’t prioritize your health, you won’t be equipped to handle anyone else’s issues.
Neglecting your own needs can quickly lead to burnout, resentment, emotional outbursts, and even heartbreak.
You need to set boundaries without feeling guilty. As renowned researcher and author, Brene Brown once said:
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”
Take some time for yourself. Engage in activities that renew your energy. Do whatever it takes to look after your own well-being.
After all, self-care isn’t selfish; it’s necessary for maintaining healthy relationships, especially when dealing with difficult behaviors from adult children.
Seeking further guidance
Having navigated the tumultuous waters of dealing with my adult child’s intolerable behavior, I believe the most helpful resource from The Vessel for you is the Free Your Mind Masterclass by Rudá Iandê.
Why this masterclass, you ask?
When dealing with challenging behaviors, it can often feel like you’re trapped in a cycle of negativity.
You may find yourself harboring limiting beliefs about your ability to handle the situation or about your child’s ability to change.
This masterclass aims to help you break free from these restrictive thoughts and tap into your full potential.
With guidance from Rudá Iandê, this masterclass can empower you to transcend these limiting beliefs, helping you gain a new perspective on the situation.
