For years, I struggled to understand why certain relationships in my life felt so draining. I couldn’t say no without guilt. I let people cross lines they shouldn’t have. And deep down, I felt responsible for emotions that weren’t mine to carry.
It took me a long time to realize the root of the problem: I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and it shaped the way I saw boundaries—blurry, confusing, and often nonexistent.
If you’ve had a similar experience, you’re not alone. Psychology shows that when we grow up in chaotic or emotionally unhealthy environments, we don’t always learn how to protect our own space—physically, emotionally, or mentally.
But the good news? Once you recognize these struggles, you can start changing them.
As a psychology enthusiast and founder of Hack Spirit, I’ve spent years diving into the ways our upbringing affects us as adults.
In this article, I’ll walk you through 7 common boundaries that people from dysfunctional families often struggle to set—and how understanding them can help you build healthier relationships and a stronger sense of self.
Let’s get started.
1) Saying no without guilt
One of the hardest boundaries to set when you come from a dysfunctional family is simply saying no.
Growing up, you might have learned that saying no led to conflict, guilt trips, or even rejection. Maybe you were expected to put other people’s needs before your own, or you felt responsible for keeping the peace at all costs.
Over time, this can make it incredibly hard to assert yourself. Even as an adult, you might find yourself agreeing to things you don’t want to do—whether it’s extra work, emotional labor, or unhealthy relationships—just to avoid feeling guilty or selfish.
But here’s the truth: saying no isn’t selfish. It’s a necessary skill for protecting your time, energy, and mental well-being.
If this is something you struggle with, start small. Practice saying no in low-stakes situations—a minor request from a coworker or an invitation you’re not excited about. You don’t have to explain yourself or over-apologize. A simple “I can’t this time” is enough.
2) Recognizing that your feelings matter
For most of my life, I dismissed my own emotions without even realizing it.
If I felt hurt, I told myself I was overreacting. If I was angry, I assumed I was being unreasonable. Growing up, I had learned—whether through silence or outright dismissal—that my feelings weren’t as important as keeping the peace.
I remember one specific moment that made this clear to me.
A close friend had done something that really upset me, but instead of addressing it, I convinced myself it wasn’t a big deal. “It’s not worth making things awkward,” I thought. But the resentment built up inside me, and eventually, our friendship suffered anyway.
It wasn’t until years later that I came across a quote from Carl Rogers, a legendary psychologist, that hit me hard: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
That’s when it clicked—I couldn’t change anything in my life until I actually acknowledged my own emotions instead of brushing them aside.
If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you might struggle with this too. But here’s the key: your feelings are valid. They don’t have to be convenient for others to be real.
3) Not taking responsibility for other people’s emotions
For as long as I can remember, I felt like it was my job to keep everyone around me happy.
If someone was upset, I immediately wondered if I had done something wrong. If there was tension in the air, I felt an overwhelming need to fix it. And if someone lashed out at me, I assumed it was my fault.
This pattern followed me into adulthood. I remember one time when a friend was going through a rough patch and started snapping at me over little things.
Instead of recognizing that his frustrations weren’t mine to carry, I bent over backward trying to cheer him up—walking on eggshells, filtering my words, and taking on emotional weight that wasn’t mine.
Looking back, I realize how exhausting that was. And more importantly, how unnecessary.
The truth is, we are responsible for our own emotions—not anyone else’s. When you grow up in a dysfunctional family, you might be conditioned to believe that other people’s moods are somehow your responsibility. But they’re not.
One thing that helped me break this habit was learning to pause before reacting. If someone seemed upset, instead of immediately jumping into “fix-it” mode, I reminded myself that their feelings belonged to them.
4) Communicating your needs without fear
For a long time, I struggled to tell people what I needed—whether it was emotional support, space, or even just help with something simple.
Growing up, I had learned that expressing my needs could lead to rejection, criticism, or being ignored entirely. So instead of asking for what I needed, I kept quiet. I told myself, I didn’t want to be a burden. It’s easier to just handle things on my own.
But bottling up my needs didn’t make them disappear. It only led to frustration, resentment, and feeling unseen in my relationships.
It turns out, there’s real psychological research behind this struggle. A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that people who grew up in emotionally neglectful households often have difficulty expressing their needs in adulthood.
They fear conflict, rejection, or being seen as “too much,” which leads them to suppress their feelings rather than communicate them openly.
That hit home for me. I finally understood why speaking up felt so uncomfortable—it wasn’t because my needs were unreasonable, but because I had been conditioned to believe they didn’t matter.
5) Setting limits with toxic family members
One of the hardest lessons I had to learn was that just because someone is family doesn’t mean they have unlimited access to my life.
For years, I tolerated toxic behavior from certain family members because I felt like I had to. Whether it was constant criticism, guilt-tripping, or emotional manipulation, I told myself, That’s just how they are. I can’t cut them off—they’re family.
But the truth is, allowing toxic family members to overstep your boundaries doesn’t make you a better person—it just drains you.
I remember one particular relative who always made backhanded comments about my choices—my career, my relationships, even small things like what I ate. Every time we talked, I left the conversation feeling worse about myself. But instead of pushing back, I’d just smile and brush it off.
It wasn’t until I started limiting my interactions that things changed. I didn’t need to argue or explain myself—I just reduced how often we spoke and set clear boundaries when we did. And to my surprise, it brought me an incredible sense of relief.
If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, setting limits with relatives can feel impossible. But remember: you’re allowed to protect your peace.
Whether it’s reducing contact, changing the subject when conversations turn negative, or even walking away from toxic dynamics altogether—your well-being comes first.
6) Believing that you deserve respect
For a long time, I accepted disrespect without even realizing it.
I let people interrupt me, dismiss my feelings, and talk down to me—whether it was at work, in friendships, or even in relationships. And the worst part? I rarely stood up for myself.
Instead, I made excuses for other people’s behavior: Maybe I’m being too sensitive. They don’t really mean it like that.
Looking back, I now see why. Growing up in a dysfunctional family, I learned that respect wasn’t something I could expect—it was something I had to earn by being agreeable, staying quiet, and avoiding conflict.
If I kept accepting disrespect, people would keep giving it to me. But if I believed I deserved better and acted accordingly, things would start to change.
If this sounds familiar to you, here’s something that helped me: the next time someone disrespects you—whether they interrupt you, dismiss your feelings, or cross a boundary—pause for a moment.
Instead of brushing it off like you normally would say something simple but firm: “I don’t appreciate being spoken to that way”. “Please don’t interrupt me”. “That’s not okay with me”.
7) Allowing yourself to disappoint others
If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you were probably taught—directly or indirectly—that keeping others happy was more important than being true to yourself.
For years, I went out of my way to avoid disappointing people. I said yes when I wanted to say no. I took on responsibilities that weren’t mine. I prioritized other people’s comfort over my own needs.
And for what? To keep the peace? To avoid conflict?
The irony is that in trying so hard not to disappoint others, I only ended up disappointing myself.
Here’s the counterintuitive truth: learning to let people down is actually a sign of growth. It means you’re choosing authenticity over approval. It means you’re honoring your own needs instead of bending to everyone else’s expectations.
Of course, this doesn’t mean you should be careless or inconsiderate. But it does mean accepting that sometimes, setting a boundary will make someone unhappy—and that’s okay.
If this is something you struggle with, here’s a practical tip: the next time you feel pressured to say yes when you really want to say no, try this simple phrase: “I understand that this is important to you, but I can’t commit to it right now.”
Final thoughts
Setting boundaries isn’t easy—especially if you grew up in a family where they were never respected. But the good news? You can unlearn these patterns.
Start small. Pick one boundary from this list that resonates with you the most and focus on practicing it in everyday life. Whether it’s saying no without guilt, expressing your needs, or creating distance from toxic relationships, every step counts.
And remember: setting boundaries doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you healthier. The more you practice, the more natural it will feel.
You deserve relationships built on mutual respect, not guilt or obligation. Give yourself permission to protect your peace—you don’t need anyone else’s approval to do so.
