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Parenting doesn’t come with a manual, and even with the best intentions, words can sometimes do more harm than good—especially when it comes to our adult children.

Conversations that seem harmless or even well-meaning can leave them questioning their feelings, doubting their memories, or second-guessing their worth.

This is where gaslighting—intentional or not—can creep in. It’s not always dramatic or obvious.

Sometimes, it’s hidden in the everyday phrases parents use, the ones that dismiss, downplay, or rewrite their child’s experiences.

And over time, these words can chip away at their self-esteem and trust in themselves.

The good news? Awareness changes everything.

Here are seven common phrases that might be doing more damage than you realize—along with how to shift your words for healthier, more supportive communication.

1) “You’re too sensitive”

A common phrase that parents often use, sometimes without realizing its impact, is telling their adult children they’re “too sensitive”.

This can be damaging in multiple ways.

Firstly, it dismisses the child’s feelings and experiences. It’s like saying their reaction to a situation isn’t valid or important.

This can lead to self-doubt, making the child question their perceptions and reactions.

Secondly, it shifts blame away from the parent’s actions. Instead of acknowledging that something they said or did might have hurt their child, the parent puts the responsibility on the child for being overly sensitive.

This is a classic example of gaslighting – it manipulates the child into questioning their feelings and reactions. And over time, this can have a serious impact on their self-esteem.

2) “I never said that”

I remember a time when my mother and I had a disagreement about a family gathering.

I was certain she’d told me it was on Saturday, but come Saturday, there was no gathering. When I confronted her, she simply said “I never said that, you must have misunderstood.”

In this instance, whether it was intentional or not, her words made me question my memory.

That’s what this phrase does – it causes the child to doubt their own recall of events. This can lead to feelings of confusion and insecurity.

Repeated occurrences can severely undermine the adult child’s trust in their own memory and judgement, damaging their self-esteem over time.

The key is to cultivate open communication and take responsibility for any miscommunication, rather than dismissing or denying what was said.

3) “That’s just how I am”

Parents often use the phrase “That’s just how I am” as a way to shut down conversations that might lead to conflict or challenge their behaviors.

However, this phrase can have a subtle gaslighting effect on adult children.

The impact of this phrase is twofold. Firstly, it evades accountability for any hurtful actions or words. Secondly, it subtly implies that the child is the one at fault for being affected by the parent’s behavior.

Interestingly, a study published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies found that parental rejection and psychological control were related to lower self-esteem in young adults.

This phrase is a form of psychological control as it shuts down the possibility of discussing and addressing issues.

It’s crucial for parents to remember that maintaining open dialogue and taking responsibility for their actions can foster healthier relationships with their adult children.

4) “You always/never…”

The use of absolutes like “always” and “never” in conversations can be a form of gaslighting.

When a parent says something like “You never help around the house” or “You always forget important dates”, it can be incredibly damaging to an adult child’s self-esteem.

These phrases paint a picture of consistent failure, making the child feel as though they can’t do anything right.

It also generalizes specific instances, which is unfair and can lead to feelings of resentment and inadequacy.

Instead, addressing specific instances without generalizing can lead to healthier communication.

For example, saying “I noticed you forgot our family dinner date last week, can we figure out a way to avoid this in the future?” is more constructive and less likely to damage self-esteem.

5) “I did my best”

The phrase “I did my best” was something I often heard growing up.

On the surface, it seems like a simple statement of fact, but when used to deflect criticism or evade responsibility for hurtful behavior, it can become a form of gaslighting.

This phrase shifts focus away from the child’s feelings and redirects it towards the parent’s efforts.

It implies that the child’s feelings or experiences aren’t as important as the parent’s intentions. This can lead to feelings of guilt and self-doubt in the child.

Acknowledging that parents are human and can make mistakes is essential, but so is validating a child’s feelings.

It’s okay to admit errors and apologize. It not only models good behavior, but it also fosters a healthier parent-child relationship.

6) “I’m just joking”

Humor can be a great way to lighten the mood and create a bond between parents and their adult children.

But when a parent uses the phrase “I’m just joking” to dismiss hurtful comments or actions, it can become a form of gaslighting.

This phrase invalidates the child’s feelings and makes them question their interpretation of the situation.

Over time, this can lead to confusion, self-doubt, and a decline in self-esteem.

If a child voices discomfort or hurt, it’s essential to acknowledge their feelings and apologize, rather than dismissing their reaction as oversensitivity.

7) “It’s for your own good”

Perhaps one of the most subtly damaging phrases a parent can use is “It’s for your own good”.

This phrase is often used to justify actions or decisions that the adult child disagrees with or finds hurtful.

This phrase is a form of gaslighting because it invalidates the child’s feelings and experiences, suggesting that they can’t understand what’s best for them.

It undermines their autonomy and can lead to feelings of helplessness and a decrease in self-esteem.

Communication is key

The complexity of human relationships, especially the parent-child dynamic, can be deeply influenced by our communication patterns.

In relation to gaslighting, research from the American Psychological Association suggests that this subtle form of manipulation can lead to significant psychological distress, including lower self-esteem in the long term.

Understanding these seven common gaslighting phrases used unknowingly by parents can open a path towards better communication.

It’s not about blame, but about awareness and change.

Whether you’re a parent or an adult child, recognizing these phrases and their impact can help to foster more empathetic and constructive conversations.

It’s a reminder that our words have power – they can either erode or build someone’s self-esteem.

Choosing them wisely and with care is a step towards healthier, more nurturing relationships.

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