Not everyone grows up with a loving, capable mother.
Some of us had to figure things out on our own because the person who was supposed to guide us simply wasn’t up for the job.
An incompetent mother doesn’t just make mistakes—she creates lasting emotional and psychological challenges that shape how we navigate relationships, work, and even our own self-worth.
And while it’s tough to admit, recognizing these signs can be the first step toward healing and growth.
Psychology sheds light on the patterns that emerge when a mother fails to provide the stability and support a child needs.
If any of these signs sound familiar, it’s not about blame—it’s about understanding your past so you can take control of your future:
1) You felt like the parent in the relationship
Growing up, your mother was supposed to be the responsible one—the person who provided guidance, stability, and emotional support.
But if you often found yourself taking care of her instead, that’s a major red flag.
Maybe she was emotionally immature, financially irresponsible, or simply incapable of handling life’s challenges.
Instead of leaning on her for support, you had to be the one keeping things together.
This role reversal is known as ‘parentification,’ and it can have long-term effects on your relationships and sense of self-worth.
When a mother fails to step up, her children are often forced to sacrifice their own childhood just to maintain some sense of order.
2) Your feelings were often dismissed or ignored
I remember the first time I told my mother I was upset about something that happened at school.
Instead of comforting me or helping me work through my emotions, she rolled her eyes and said, “You’re too sensitive. Just get over it.”
At the time, I didn’t think much of it.
Yet, as I got older, I realized that every time I tried to express my feelings, she either minimized them, ignored them, or made me feel guilty for having them at all.
Over time, I learned to keep everything bottled up because I knew my emotions wouldn’t be taken seriously.
And that’s exactly what happens when a mother constantly dismisses her child’s emotions—they grow up struggling to trust their own experiences and suppressing their needs in relationships.
If you were always told that you were “too dramatic” or made to feel like your emotions were a burden, you likely carried that pattern into adulthood.
Understanding where it started is the first step toward breaking free from it.
3) You were afraid of her, even when she wasn’t angry
A mother is supposed to be a source of comfort—a safe place to turn to when the world feels overwhelming.
But for some of us, home wasn’t safe as it was unpredictable.
Even when she wasn’t yelling, there was always a tension in the air, like something could set her off at any moment.
I remember holding my breath when I heard her footsteps in the hallway, bracing myself for whatever mood she was in that day.
Even if she wasn’t outright cruel, there was an underlying fear that never really went away.
I learned to walk on eggshells, to make myself small, to do whatever it took to avoid setting her off.
Growing up in constant fear changes you because it teaches you that love is conditional, that safety is temporary, and that at any moment, things can turn ugly.
If you still find yourself scanning people’s moods before speaking or feeling uneasy around authority figures, it’s a survival mechanism you learned as a child—one that was never supposed to be necessary in the first place.
4) Your mother made everything about herself
Conversations were never really about me.
If I was excited about something, she’d find a way to one-up me; if I was struggling, somehow, her problems were always bigger.
Even in moments that should have been mine—graduations, achievements, even personal struggles—she found a way to make herself the center of attention.
At the time, I thought maybe all mothers were like that.
But, as I got older, I realized that a truly supportive parent doesn’t compete with their child for attention.
They don’t see their child’s emotions as an inconvenience or a threat.
Narcissistic mothers see their children as extensions of themselves rather than individuals with their own thoughts and feelings.
When a mother operates this way, her child grows up feeling unseen, unheard, and emotionally neglected.
5) You were given too much freedom
At first glance, having a mother who let you do whatever you wanted might not seem like a bad thing.
No curfews, no rules, no checking in—it sounds like the dream, right? But in reality, it wasn’t freedom. It was neglect.
A child who grows up without structure doesn’t feel independent—they feel lost.
I remember wishing someone would set boundaries for me, tell me what was safe and what wasn’t.
Instead, I had to figure it all out on my own, making mistakes that could have been avoided if someone had just cared enough to step in.
Meaningful independence isn’t about being left to fend for yourself—it’s about having the support and structure to grow into a confident adult.
6) You never felt truly “good enough”
No matter what you did, it always felt like it wasn’t enough.
You could bring home good grades, be on your best behavior, or accomplish something important, but somehow, she’d still find a flaw.
Maybe she compared you to other kids, set impossible standards, or made you feel like love had to be earned.
Over time, you started believing that your worth was tied to your achievements.
That if you just worked harder, performed better, or proved yourself in the right way, maybe then she’d finally be proud of you.
But that approval never really came—not in the way you needed it.
Psychologist Alfred Adler described this feeling well: “The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.”
When a child grows up feeling like they’re never quite good enough, they often become perfectionists—constantly chasing validation that always seems just out of reach.
If you still struggle with self-worth and feel like nothing you do is ever enough, it’s because you were conditioned to believe love was something you had to earn, when in reality, it should have been freely given.
7) You struggle to trust others
Trust never came easy for me. I found myself second-guessing people’s intentions, waiting for them to let me down, or assuming that love always came with conditions.
It wasn’t until much later that I realized why—I had spent my childhood learning that the one person who was supposed to be reliable simply wasn’t.
A mother is supposed to be a child’s first example of trust and security.
But when she is inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, or outright harmful, it teaches a painful lesson: That people can’t be counted on.
And that belief doesn’t just disappear when you grow up—it follows you into friendships, romantic relationships, and even professional settings.
As psychologist John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, once said: “The young child’s hunger for his mother’s love and presence is as great as his hunger for food.”
When that love is unpredictable or absent, the child learns to protect themselves by keeping others at arm’s length.
Understanding where it started is the first step toward healing!
