For years, I ignored the warning signs.
I thought toxic people were easy to spot—manipulative, controlling, or outright cruel. But in reality, some of the most harmful people in my life didn’t fit that mold at all.
They weren’t obvious villains. They were friends, colleagues, even loved ones—people who seemed supportive on the surface but left me feeling drained, doubting myself, and second-guessing my worth.
It took me a long time (and a lot of psychology research) to realize that toxicity isn’t always loud or aggressive. Sometimes, it’s subtle. It sneaks into your life in ways you don’t immediately recognize.
As the founder of Hack Spirit, I’ve spent years exploring how human relationships impact our well-being.
And through that journey, I’ve come across psychological insights that completely changed the way I identify toxic influences in my life.
In this article, I’ll share seven non-obvious signs that someone might be a toxic presence—signs that aren’t always easy to spot but can have a lasting effect on your happiness and success.
Let’s dive in.
1) They make you doubt your own reality
One of the most subtle yet damaging signs of a toxic person is how they make you question your own experiences.
You tell them that something they said hurt you, and they brush it off—“You’re too sensitive.”
You recall an event one way, but they insist it didn’t happen like that—“You’re imagining things.”
Over time, this kind of behavior messes with your confidence. You start second-guessing yourself, wondering if you’re overreacting or if your feelings are even valid.
Psychologists call this “gaslighting“, and it’s a common tactic used (sometimes unconsciously) by toxic people to maintain control in relationships.
It makes you feel like you can’t trust your own judgment, leaving you dependent on them for “the truth.”
If you often feel confused or unsure about what really happened in conversations with someone, take a step back. Your emotions and memories are valid, and no one should make you feel otherwise.
2) They drain your energy without you realizing it
I used to have a friend who, on the surface, seemed perfectly nice. We’d hang out, have long conversations, and stay in touch regularly.
But every time I spent time with them, I left feeling exhausted—like I had just run an emotional marathon.
At first, I couldn’t put my finger on why. They weren’t openly rude or aggressive.
But little by little, I started noticing a pattern: our conversations were always about them. Their problems, their frustrations, their endless dramas.
And whenever I tried to share something about my own life, the topic would quickly shift back to them.
Psychologist Carl Jung once said, “People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul.”
Looking back, I realize that this friend was using me as an emotional dumping ground instead of dealing with their own inner struggles. And the cost? My energy, my time, and my mental well-being.
If you often feel drained after spending time with someone—even if you can’t pinpoint exactly why—it’s worth paying attention to.
Healthy relationships should leave you feeling supported and balanced, not constantly depleted.
3) They disguise insults as ‘jokes’
I once had a coworker who always had something sarcastic to say about me.
If I shared an idea in a meeting, he’d smirk and say, “Wow, didn’t know you were such a genius.”
If I mentioned a personal goal, he’d chuckle, “Good luck with that. Let me know how it goes… if it actually happens.”
Every time I called him out on it, he’d wave me off—“Relax, it’s just a joke.” And for a while, I believed him. I told myself I was being too sensitive.
But deep down, his comments chipped away at my confidence.
And that’s the thing—when someone constantly hides put-downs behind humor, it’s not harmless teasing. It’s a way to undermine you without taking responsibility for it.
Real friends or colleagues don’t make you feel small under the guise of “just joking.”
If someone’s words leave you feeling belittled rather than amused, trust that feeling. Jokes should make you laugh, not question your worth.
4) They make everything a competition
I used to have a friend who turned everything into a contest.
If I got a promotion, they’d immediately talk about how they were making even more money. If I mentioned I started working out, they’d casually drop that they had been training way harder for months.
At first, I thought maybe I was just being overly sensitive. But over time, I realized that instead of celebrating my achievements, they were constantly trying to one-up me.
Research backs this up—according to studies, excessive social comparison can fuel feelings of envy and lead to toxic relationship dynamics.
The study found that people who frequently compare themselves to others tend to experience lower self-esteem and more interpersonal conflict (Vogel et al., 2015).
A little friendly competition can be healthy, but if someone in your life always turns your successes into their own personal scoreboard, it’s a red flag. Healthy relationships are built on mutual support, not constant comparison.
5) They only reach out when they need something
I had a friend who would disappear for weeks—sometimes months—without a word. But the moment they needed a favor? My phone would light up with a friendly “Hey, how have you been?”
At first, I told myself they were just busy. Life gets hectic, right? But over time, I noticed a pattern. Every conversation had a purpose—and that purpose was them.
They needed advice, a ride, an introduction to someone I knew. And once they got what they wanted? Silence again.
Toxic relationships are often one-sided like this.
A real friend doesn’t just show up when it’s convenient for them. They check in because they care—not because they need something from you.
If someone in your life only reaches out when it benefits them, it might be time to rethink the relationship.
6) They make you feel guilty for setting boundaries
I used to have someone in my life who would make me feel awful every time I set a boundary.
If I said I couldn’t help them move last-minute, they’d sigh, “Wow, I guess I just can’t count on you.”
If I didn’t text back immediately, they’d send a follow-up: “Are you mad at me or something?”
Slowly, I started feeling like I had to justify every decision I made—like taking care of myself somehow made me a bad person.
But the truth is, people who respect you won’t make you feel guilty for having limits.
As psychologist Dr. Henry Cloud puts it, “We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing.” And for me, the pain of always bending over backward finally outweighed the fear of saying no.
If someone makes you feel selfish or disloyal just because you’re prioritizing your own well-being, take a step back.
Boundaries aren’t a betrayal—they’re an act of self-respect.
7) They’re always overly nice
It sounds strange, but one of the most toxic people I ever dealt with was also one of the nicest.
They never raised their voice, never openly criticized me, and always acted over-the-top supportive. But something felt off.
Whenever I shared good news, their praise felt forced—too enthusiastic, almost performative. And when I needed real support during tough times, they’d disappear or change the subject.
Psychologists call this “passive toxicity”—when someone hides their true emotions behind excessive niceness to avoid confrontation or responsibility.
Research suggests that people who suppress negative emotions in relationships often end up creating more resentment and instability in the long run.
So how do you tell the difference between genuine kindness and something more toxic?
Pay attention to consistency. Real friends don’t just act supportive—they show up when it matters. If someone’s niceness feels hollow or conditional, trust your instincts.
A practical way to test this? The next time you’re struggling, ask for a small favor—nothing huge, just something that requires a little effort on their part. Their reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
Final thoughts: Protecting your energy
Recognizing toxic people—especially the subtle ones—isn’t always easy. But once you start noticing these signs, you can make better choices about who you allow into your life.
So what now?
Here’s a simple rule to follow: pay attention to how people make you feel. Do you feel drained, doubting yourself, or walking on eggshells? That’s a sign something isn’t right.
And remember—you don’t owe anyone unlimited access to your time and energy. Set boundaries, trust your instincts, and surround yourself with people who genuinely uplift you.
At the end of the day, the relationships in your life should bring you peace, not constant stress. Choose wisely.
