For most of my life, I struggled to make real friends.
I’d overthink every conversation, second-guess myself, and often feel like an outsider looking in. No matter how much I wanted to connect, something always seemed to hold me back.
It wasn’t until I started diving into psychology that I realized the problem wasn’t me—it was the subtle habits I had picked up along the way. Habits that kept me stuck in social awkwardness without even realizing it.
I’m Lachlan Brown, founder of Hack Spirit and a psychology enthusiast. Over the years, I’ve learned how small shifts in behavior can make a huge difference in building real, meaningful connections.
In this article, I’ll share seven subtle habits that may be keeping you from making real friends—according to psychology. If you recognize yourself in any of these, don’t worry. Awareness is the first step to change.
Let’s dive in.
For years, I couldn’t stop replaying conversations in my head.
Did I say something weird? Did they think I was awkward? Should I have laughed at that joke?
I thought I was just being self-aware, but psychology says this constant overanalyzing actually makes social interactions harder.
It keeps you stuck in your own head instead of truly engaging with the people around you.
The truth is, most people aren’t scrutinizing your every word—they’re too busy thinking about themselves.
Once I realized this, I started letting go of the need to dissect every conversation.
If you catch yourself overanalyzing, try shifting your focus outward. Instead of worrying about how you came across, pay attention to the other person.
What are they saying? How do they feel? This small mindset shift can make a huge difference in how you connect with others.
I used to turn down invitations all the time.
Not because I didn’t want to go, but because the thought of socializing made me anxious.
I’d tell myself I was too tired, that I wouldn’t have anything to say, or that people wouldn’t notice if I didn’t show up. But deep down, I knew the real reason—I was afraid of being awkward.
The problem? The more I avoided social situations, the worse my anxiety got.
Psychology calls this “avoidance behavior”, and it only reinforces fear.
Carl Jung once said, “What you resist, persists.” And he was right. The more I resisted social situations, the more my awkwardness and loneliness stuck around.
So I made a deal with myself: I didn’t have to be the life of the party, but I did have to show up. Even if it was just for 30 minutes. And you know what? It got easier.
If you find yourself avoiding social events out of fear, challenge yourself to go—just for a little while. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be present.
3) Not making eye contact
For the longest time, I struggled with eye contact.
Whenever I talked to someone, my eyes would dart around the room—looking at the floor, my phone, anywhere but the person in front of me. I didn’t even realize I was doing it.
I thought I was just being polite by not staring too much, but in reality, avoiding eye contact made my conversations feel disconnected and awkward.
Psychology shows that eye contact builds trust and helps people feel heard. Without it, interactions can feel distant or uninviting.
Once I became aware of this habit, I started making a conscious effort to maintain eye contact—just for a few seconds at a time.
At first, it felt uncomfortable, but something amazing happened: my conversations started feeling easier. People responded more warmly, and I felt more connected.
If you struggle with this too, try a simple trick: when talking to someone, focus on the color of their eyes for just a moment. It’s a small shift, but it can make a big difference in how natural and engaging your interactions feel.
4) Speaking too little (or too much)
I used to swing between two extremes in conversations—I’d either stay too quiet, afraid of saying the wrong thing, or I’d overcompensate by rambling to fill the silence.
Neither approach worked. Staying too quiet made me seem disinterested, while talking too much made me seem self-absorbed.
Psychology shows that balanced conversations—where both people contribute equally—are key to building strong connections.
A study by Susan Sprecher and Stanislav Treger published in Personal Relationships found that people who engage in more “turn-taking” during conversations fosters positive interpersonal perceptions.
Once I learned this, I started paying attention to the flow of my conversations. If I noticed I was dominating the discussion, I’d pause and ask the other person a question.
If I was being too quiet, I’d remind myself that my thoughts were worth sharing.
If you struggle with this, try a simple rule: aim for a back-and-forth rhythm in conversations. Ask questions, share something about yourself, and then give space for the other person to do the same.
It’s not about saying the perfect thing—it’s about creating balance.
5) Not showing genuine interest in others
For a long time, I thought social skills were all about saying the right things.
I’d focus so much on how I was coming across that I forgot the most important part of a conversation—actually caring about the other person.
I wasn’t rude or disinterested, but I wasn’t fully engaged either. I’d ask surface-level questions without really listening to the answers. And unsurprisingly, my connections stayed surface-level too.
Psychology shows that people are naturally drawn to those who show genuine interest in them.
In fact, research found that when people ask follow-up questions in conversations—showing they’re truly listening—they are rated as more likable and socially skilled (Huang, Yeomans, & Minson, 2017).
Once I started putting real effort into listening instead of just waiting for my turn to speak, everything changed. Conversations became more natural, people opened up more, and I felt real connections forming.
If you struggle with this, try a simple shift: when someone shares something with you, ask a follow-up question instead of immediately shifting the conversation back to yourself.
It’s a small habit that makes a huge difference in building meaningful friendships.
6) Fearing rejection too much
For years, I let the fear of rejection control me.
I’d hesitate before sending a text, overthink before asking someone to hang out, and talk myself out of starting conversations because I was afraid of being ignored or brushed off.
But the more I avoided putting myself out there, the lonelier I felt. My fear of rejection wasn’t protecting me—it was isolating me.
That’s when I came across this quote from Alfred Adler, one of the founding figures in psychology: “The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.”
And that hit me hard. I realized I was playing it too safe—waiting for others to make the first move, assuming people wouldn’t want to connect with me unless they proved otherwise. But real friendships don’t happen that way.
So I started taking small risks. Reaching out first. Initiating plans. Accepting that not everyone would respond the way I wanted—but that wasn’t a reflection of my worth.
If you struggle with this too, remind yourself: rejection isn’t as personal as it feels.
People have their own busy lives, moods, and insecurities. Don’t let the fear of hearing “no” stop you from building the friendships you deserve.
7) Trying too hard to be liked
This one took me a long time to understand.
I used to think that making friends meant always agreeing, always being polite, and never saying anything that might rock the boat.
I’d laugh at jokes I didn’t find funny, pretend to like things just to fit in, and avoid sharing my real opinions out of fear that people wouldn’t like me.
But here’s the counterintuitive truth: trying too hard to be liked can actually push people away.
Psychology shows that authenticity is what truly draws people in. When we’re too focused on pleasing others, we come across as insincere—or worse, forgettable.
Once I stopped trying so hard to be who I thought people wanted me to be and just started being myself, something surprising happened—my social anxiety eased up, conversations felt more natural, and I connected with people who actually valued me for who I was.
If you struggle with this, try this practical shift: the next time you’re in a conversation, focus on expressing what you actually think or feel instead of saying what you think others want to hear.
You’ll be surprised how much easier it is to connect when you stop performing and start being real.
Final thoughts
Breaking out of social awkwardness doesn’t happen overnight—but small changes can make a big difference.
If you recognized yourself in any of these habits, don’t stress. The key isn’t to be perfect—it’s to be aware and start making gradual shifts.
Here’s a simple challenge: pick one habit from this list and focus on improving it this week.
Maybe it’s making more eye contact, asking more follow-up questions, or pushing past the fear of rejection.
Real friendships don’t come from overthinking or trying too hard—they come from showing up as yourself, little by little. Start small, stay consistent, and watch how your connections grow.
