We all know words have power. A kind word can lift you up, while a harsh one can cut deep. But what happens when words are used not just to hurt, but to confuse and control?
That’s exactly what gaslighters do. They twist conversations, making you question your own thoughts, feelings, and even reality.
And the worst part? It can happen so subtly that you don’t realize what’s going on until your confidence is already shaken.
The good news is, once you know what to listen for, you can spot the red flags before they take root.
Here are eight common phrases gaslighters use to undermine your confidence—so you can recognize them, stand your ground, and protect your sense of self.
1) “You’re too sensitive.”
Ever had someone say this to you after they hurt your feelings? It’s a classic gaslighting move.
Instead of acknowledging their words or actions, they flip it back on you, making it seem like you’re the problem for reacting at all.
Over time, this can make you question whether your emotions are valid—or if you’re just “overreacting” like they keep telling you.
But here’s the truth: your feelings aren’t wrong. If something upsets you, there’s a reason for it. People who respect you won’t dismiss your emotions—they’ll try to understand them.
2) “That never happened.”
I remember the first time I heard this from someone I trusted. We had an argument, and I brought up something hurtful they had said to me just days before.
Without missing a beat, they looked me straight in the eye and said, “That never happened.”
I was stunned. I knew it had happened—I could still hear their words ringing in my head. But the more they denied it, the more I started second-guessing myself. Did I misunderstand? Was I overreacting? Am I remembering it wrong?
That’s exactly what gaslighters want. By making you doubt your own memory, they gain control over the narrative—and over you.
But here’s what I’ve learned: if you remember something clearly, trust yourself. People who care about you won’t try to rewrite reality just to avoid accountability.
3) “You’re imagining things.”
This phrase works like a slow poison, making you question your own perception of reality. When someone repeatedly tells you that what you saw, heard, or felt isn’t real, it chips away at your confidence in your own judgment.
Psychological manipulation like this is so powerful that it can actually change the way you remember events.
Studies have shown that when people are repeatedly told false information with enough confidence, their brains can start to accept it as truth—even if they originally knew otherwise.
That’s why gaslighters use this tactic so often. If they can make you doubt yourself enough, they don’t even have to argue—they win by making you believe you were wrong all along.
4) “You’re overreacting.”
Gaslighters love this one because it instantly puts you on the defensive.
Instead of addressing what they did, they make the conversation about your reaction—shifting the focus away from their behavior and onto your supposed “overreaction.”
Over time, hearing this phrase again and again can make you hesitant to express your feelings at all. You start asking yourself, Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Should I just let this go?
But here’s the thing: if something upsets you, it matters. People who care about you won’t try to downplay your emotions—they’ll listen and try to understand where you’re coming from.
5) “I was just joking.”
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard this after someone said something cruel. They’d make a hurtful comment, see my reaction, and immediately brush it off with, “Relax, I was just joking.”
At first, I’d doubt myself. Maybe I took it too seriously. Maybe I should just laugh it off. But over time, I realized the problem wasn’t me—it was them.
Gaslighters use this phrase to disguise insults as humor, making it seem like you’re the one who can’t take a joke.
But a real joke is meant to make both people laugh—not to put one person down while the other gets away with it.
6) “I’m only trying to help.”
At first, this phrase doesn’t sound harmful at all. In fact, it seems like something a caring person would say. But when a gaslighter uses it, it’s not about helping—it’s about control.
They’ll disguise criticism as “concern” and make you feel like you should be grateful for their harsh words. If you push back, they’ll act offended, as if you’re rejecting their kindness.
Over time, you might start believing that they know better than you do about your own life.
But real support doesn’t make you feel small. People who genuinely want to help will lift you up, not tear you down in the process.
7) “No one else has a problem with this.”
This one is designed to make you feel isolated, as if you’re the only person who sees an issue. The gaslighter wants you to question yourself—”If no one else is upset, maybe I’m the one who’s wrong.”
But just because others don’t speak up doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid. People experience things differently, and what bothers you might not bother someone else—and that’s okay.
A healthy relationship allows space for different perspectives. If someone dismisses your concerns just because others haven’t voiced the same ones, they’re not listening. They’re just trying to silence you.
8) “You’re the problem, not me.”
This is the gaslighter’s last line of defense. When all else fails, they flip the script entirely, making you feel like you’re the one at fault. Suddenly, you’re not just defending your feelings—you’re defending your entire character.
The more you try to explain yourself, the worse it gets. They refuse to take responsibility, and before you know it, you’re apologizing for something they did.
But here’s what I’ve learned: if someone always makes you feel like you’re the issue while they never admit fault, that’s not a healthy dynamic.
Accountability goes both ways, and no one who truly cares about you will make you feel like you’re the villain in your own story.
Protecting your confidence
If you’ve read this far, you might have recognized some of these phrases in your own life. Maybe you’ve heard them from a friend, a partner, a colleague—or maybe you didn’t even realize what was happening until now.
Gaslighting is powerful because it makes you doubt yourself.
But here’s something to remember: confidence isn’t about never questioning things—it’s about knowing when your feelings and experiences are real, even when someone tries to convince you otherwise.
The psychologist Dr. Robin Stern, who wrote The Gaslight Effect, explains that gaslighting works by gradually making someone dependent on another person’s version of reality. But the moment you recognize it for what it is, its power starts to fade.
Your thoughts, feelings, and memories matter. No one else gets to rewrite them.
