Hey everyone, Lachlan Brown here. I’ve been diving into the world of psychology, self-improvement, and mindfulness for years—both for Hack Spirit and Small Business Bonfire. Today, I want to share something I’ve learned the hard way (yes, I’ve got the scars to prove it): how to spot the subtle signs that the people around you might not really have your back.
The harsh truth is that we all crave genuine connection. But sometimes, the folks in our life don’t exactly meet that need. Whether they’re colleagues, friends, or even family, it’s worth knowing the signs before you invest too much time or emotional energy.
Let’s get to it.
1. They Only Listen with One Ear
You can practically see their eyes glaze over when you talk. Maybe they’re too busy checking their phone to make proper eye contact, or they constantly interrupt you with a story about themselves.
According to Carl Rogers, one of the founders of humanistic psychology, real empathy requires active listening—meaning the listener focuses on understanding your feelings, not just waiting for their turn to speak. If people aren’t tuned in, they’re not really interested in you.
I used to have a friend who would constantly say, “Sorry, can you repeat that?” and I was so naive, I thought I was just speaking too softly. Turns out, he just didn’t care enough to pay attention!
2. They Make Everything About Them
Ever share some exciting news—like you aced that big test, or finally landed that dream client—only for them to hijack the conversation? Suddenly, your moment turns into a monologue about their successes or woes.
This is classic narcissistic behavior, where the person’s sense of self-importance overshadows any empathy they might have for others. Sigmund Freud identified narcissism as an excessive self-focus that prevents genuine connection.
If they can’t even let you enjoy your victory without hogging the spotlight, they’re not just guilty of oversharing—they’re also showing that your feelings come second to their ego.
3. They’re Strangely Absent When You Need Help
You’re struggling—maybe you’re moving houses in the pouring rain or coping with a tough breakup—and you reach out for a hand. Crickets. These people might be all smiles at a party or happy hour, but when you need actual support, they vanish into thin air.
Good relationships have reciprocity. If you’re giving your time and energy when they need it, but they don’t return the favor, it’s a lopsided dynamic that can leave you feeling drained.
It’s well-known in psychology circles that humans crave contact and need supportive relationships to thrive. If you’re just not getting that support in return, it may be time to distance yourself.
4. They Often Belittle or Dismiss Your Achievements
Ever had that friend or coworker who always finds a way to downplay your accomplishments? You excitedly announce you’ve started a new business, and they respond with, “Oh, it’s probably not that hard. Anyone can do that these days.” Ouch.
Belittling your successes is a sneaky way of undermining your self-esteem. It might stem from their own insecurity—if they can’t achieve it, they sure don’t want you feeling proud about it.
This is reminiscent of projection (a concept coined by Carl Jung), where people project their own feelings of inadequacy onto others. It’s their inner criticism projected onto your achievements.
Early in my career, someone close to me once said, “Blogging is just writing random stuff online, right?” They had no idea it was my passion and future livelihood. I’m glad I trusted myself more than their dismissive attitude.
5. They Never Apologize
If there’s one universal truth about genuine connections, it’s this: we all mess up sometimes, and we’re willing to own it. But if you’re dealing with someone who never seems to say “I’m sorry” or accept blame for anything, it’s a red flag.
Defensiveness is a common coping mechanism. It happens when people are too proud (or too insecure) to admit fault. They might shift blame onto others, or even get aggressive to cover up their mistakes.
A lack of apologies means a lack of humility—and humility is key for any real bond. Without it, you’re stuck in a relationship dynamic that can feel suffocating and one-sided.
6. They Avoid Deeper Conversations
Talking about the latest Netflix hit or their new sneakers is easy. But try to bring up your personal struggles, your hopes, or your fears, and suddenly it’s like you’re speaking a foreign language. They shut it down or redirect the conversation to something trivial.
Emotional avoidance is a common tactic among people who aren’t truly invested in the relationship. They might fear intimacy, or they’re just not ready to handle real emotions.
Brené Brown (research professor and author) has famously said, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.” If someone can’t go there with you, they might not be that into you—at least on a deeper level.
7. They Criticize You More Than They Compliment You
It’s one thing to have a friend who offers constructive feedback, but it’s a whole other story if every conversation feels like you’re on the hot seat. They might nitpick how you dress, how you talk, or your life choices—yet rarely have a kind word to share.
Consistent negative feedback can be a form of emotional manipulation, wearing down your self-esteem to keep you dependent on their approval. Or it could just be that they enjoy feeling superior.
In my early days of building Hack Spirit, a so-called “friend” would always tell me how my ideas were doomed to fail—then never mention any of the good stuff. Looking back, I realize he was projecting his own fear of failure onto me. Don’t let people do that to you.
8. They Leave You Feeling Worse, Not Better
If hanging out with someone leaves you feeling anxious, drained, or downright unhappy, that’s your gut telling you something important. It might not be something they say outright, but you just sense the vibe is off.
Emotional contagion is real—humans can “catch” each other’s emotions. If someone’s constantly negative or indifferent to your well-being, you’ll feel that energy. And over time, this can seriously impact your mental health.
Your future self will thank you if you minimize time with these kinds of people. Focus on surrounding yourself with individuals who lift you up, not tear you down.
Final Thoughts
We all want to be around people who genuinely care about us—people who listen, support us, and inspire us to be our best selves. But that’s not always what life hands us. Sometimes, we find ourselves in the company of those who couldn’t care less.
The key is to recognize these red flags early on. If you see the signs, don’t be afraid to set boundaries or even cut ties if necessary. When you prioritize your own well-being, you make space for healthier, more rewarding connections to enter your life.
I hope this article sheds some light on your relationships and helps you spot which ones might be dragging you down rather than lifting you up. Trust me, I’ve been there—and looking back, I wish I’d trusted my instincts sooner. After all, life is too short to spend it surrounded by people who don’t genuinely care about you.
