The words we use with our children can have a lasting impact on their development and self-esteem.
This article highlights 8 phrases that can be harmful during their formative years, based on insights from psychology.
From comparisons to family members to dismissive comments like “You’re fine,” these expressions can unintentionally create feelings of inadequacy or fear.
By understanding how certain phrases affect children, we can foster healthier communication and encourage their growth into confident, emotionally secure individuals.
1) “You’re just like your [parent/sibling]!”
This is a common phrase we may sometimes use without giving it much thought.
However, according to psychologists, comparing your child to someone else, especially a family member, can have lasting negative impacts.
When we say “You’re just like your [parent/sibling]”, we are indirectly creating a sense of competition and comparison in the child’s mind.
This can lead to feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. It could also make them believe that they are constantly being judged or weighed against someone else’s standards.
Every child is unique, with their own strengths and weaknesses.
They should be appreciated for who they are. If they feel they are constantly being compared, it may discourage them from embracing their individuality and exploring their own talents and interests.
Our words shape their world.
It’s crucial to ensure our language encourages them to grow into their best selves, not someone else’s shadow.
Instead of comparing, try focusing on the specific behavior or action that needs to be addressed.
2) “You’re so smart!”
It might seem odd, but repeatedly telling your child “You’re so smart” can actually be counterproductive.
While it’s meant to be a compliment and boost their self-esteem, psychologists suggest it can potentially create pressure for the child to live up to this label.
When we label our kids as ‘smart’, they may start fearing failure.
They might believe that making a mistake will make them appear less smart, which can deter them from trying new things or taking risks.
Instead, try praising effort rather than intelligence.
For example, use phrases like “You worked really hard on that” or “I can see you put a lot of thought into this”.
This encourages a growth mindset, where they understand that effort and perseverance are just as important as natural talent or intelligence.
It teaches them that it’s okay to make mistakes, and most importantly, to learn from them.
3) “Stop crying!”
Telling your child to “stop crying” may seem like a quick way to restore calm, but it can actually inhibit their ability to express emotions effectively.
Emotions, including sadness and frustration, are a natural part of human life and should not be repressed or ignored.
Children often cry as a form of communication. It’s a way for them to express their feelings when they lack the words to do so. By telling them to stop, we’re essentially telling them that their feelings aren’t valid or important.
Research shows that children who are allowed to express their emotions in a healthy way tend to develop better emotional regulation skills.
They’re more likely to grow up understanding their own emotions and empathizing with others.
Instead of telling your child to stop crying, try acknowledging their feelings and offering comfort.
Phrases like “I can see you’re upset” or “It’s okay to cry, I’m here for you” can make a world of difference in helping them cope with their emotions in a healthy and constructive manner.
4) “I’m disappointed in you.”
These words can carry a heavy burden for a young child.
While it’s normal to feel disappointed when your child makes a mistake or behaves poorly, voicing this disappointment can lead them to internalize the feeling that they are a disappointment.
Children are still learning about the world and how to navigate it.
It’s normal for them to make mistakes along the way.
Instead of expressing disappointment, try conveying the situation as an opportunity for learning and growth.
You might say, “I see you made a mistake. We all do sometimes. What can we learn from it?”
This approach not only helps your child understand the situation but also teaches them how to handle mistakes and failures in a positive, constructive way.
It fosters resilience and the understanding that making mistakes is part of the learning process, not something that makes them disappointing or less worthy of love.
5) “Because I said so.”
As a parent, it can be tempting to end a negotiation with your child by saying “Because I said so”.
After all, we’ve probably all been there—the never-ending questions, the constant pushback.
It’s exhausting.
However, this phrase can unintentionally send the message that their opinions or feelings don’t matter, and they should comply without understanding why.
Instead, try explaining your reasoning in a way they can understand.
If they’re asking why they need to brush their teeth before bed, instead of saying “Because I said so”, you might say, “Brushing your teeth helps keep them strong and healthy. It removes all the food and germs that gathered throughout the day.”
This not only helps them understand why it’s important but also gives them a sense of autonomy and respect.
6) “Wait until your [other parent] hears about this!”
This phrase may seem harmless, but it can actually create a sense of fear and anxiety in your child.
I remember when I was a kid, hearing this would make me dread the moment when the other parent came home.
It felt like I was waiting for a storm to hit.
When we say “Wait until your other parent hears about this”, we’re not only instilling fear, but we’re also passing off the responsibility of dealing with the situation to someone else.
Instead, try addressing the issue at hand immediately and directly with your child.
This gives them the opportunity to understand what they did wrong, apologize, and learn from their mistakes without living in fear of a punishment that’s yet to come.
7) “You’re fine.”
We often say “You’re fine” as a knee-jerk reaction when our child falls down or seems upset over something we view as minor.
But, by doing so, we may unintentionally invalidate their feelings or experiences.
Children look to us for validation and understanding.
When we brush aside their feelings, we may be teaching them to suppress their emotions or that their feelings aren’t significant.
Instead, try acknowledging what they’re feeling first.
Say something like, “I see that you’re upset. Do you want to talk about it?” or, if they’ve had a minor fall, you might say, “That looked like it hurt. Are you okay?”
Acknowledging their feelings and experiences validates them and shows that you care about their emotions.
It teaches them that it’s okay to express what they’re feeling and that you’re there to listen and help, no matter how small the issue may seem.
8) “I do everything for you!”
This phrase, often spoken in moments of frustration, can weigh heavily on a child.
It can make them feel like a burden or cause feelings of guilt.
Children didn’t ask to be brought into this world; it’s our responsibility as parents to care for them.
They shouldn’t feel guilty for the sacrifices we choose to make for them.
Instead, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, try expressing your feelings in a way that doesn’t place blame on your child.
You might say, “I’m feeling a bit tired and could use some help. Could you please tidy up your toys?”
Let’s ensure we’re shaping a world where they feel loved, valued, and understood.
This is the most important thing we can do for our children during their formative years.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the way we communicate with our children is crucial for their emotional and psychological development.
Phrases like “I’m disappointed in you” or “Because I said so” can undermine their sense of self-worth and hinder their ability to express emotions.
Instead, fostering open dialogue and validating their feelings can build trust and resilience.
By being mindful of our words, we can create a nurturing environment that helps children feel valued and understood, paving the way for healthier relationships and a brighter future.
