Politeness can be a tricky thing.
We grow up learning that certain phrases are universally kind or considerate, but sometimes they end up doing more harm than good.
Words meant to soften a conversation can unintentionally dismiss someone’s feelings, gaslight them, or gloss over real issues.
Over time, these little phrases can reveal a lack of emotional intelligence — because while they might keep the peace on the surface, they often leave people feeling unheard or misunderstood underneath.
Today, I’m diving into nine common phrases that sound polite but could be undermining genuine empathy and connection.
Let’s jump right in.
1. “No offense, but…”
This phrase tends to do the exact opposite of what it promises.
When you start a sentence with “no offense,” it’s like handing someone a ticket to be offended. In most cases, it’s just a way to offer criticism or judgment without taking responsibility for its impact.
If someone says “No offense, but your presentation was really boring,” they’re still saying your presentation was boring — they just sprinkled in “no offense” to make it seem less harsh.
From an emotional intelligence standpoint, “no offense” often reveals a lack of awareness about how your words land.
If you genuinely want to give feedback, try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes.
Share constructive insights, clarify your intentions, and don’t rely on a quick disclaimer that doesn’t actually soften the blow.
2. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
This can sound apologetic, but let’s be real:
“I’m sorry you feel that way” isn’t much of an apology.
It shifts any blame or responsibility onto the other person’s emotions rather than the situation at hand.
Someone might say this after a heated discussion to end the conversation, but it usually makes the other person feel dismissed instead of heard.
Daniel Goleman, in his work on emotional intelligence, highlights how important it is to acknowledge other people’s feelings rather than dodge them.
A statement like, “I see how you could feel that way, and I’d like to understand more,” goes a lot further.
It shows you’re genuinely willing to hear the other person out, rather than shutting them down with a polite-sounding phrase.
3. “With all due respect…”
This is another classic.
It often shows up when we’re about to say something that might be taken as disrespectful.
“With all due respect, I think you’re wrong.”
If you really respect someone, you don’t need to preface your statement with “with all due respect.” It’s usually a red flag that a criticism or an insult is around the corner.
Emotional intelligence is partly about timing and delivery.
If you want to challenge someone else’s perspective, consider a direct yet empathetic approach:
“I see where you’re coming from. Can I share a different perspective?”
That way, you’re showing genuine respect for their viewpoint and inviting collaboration, rather than charging in with a phrase that often feels condescending.
4. “I’m just being honest.”
Honesty is important, but you can be honest without being abrasive.
Too often, people throw this phrase around right before delivering a hurtful comment.
“I’m just being honest” can sound like an excuse to say something insensitive while dodging accountability.
It’s basically, “I get to say something hurtful, and you can’t get mad at me because I told you I was being honest.”
As Tony Robbins has said, “The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.”
If your honesty consistently hurts others, it might be time to check whether it’s honesty or a lack of tact.
Emotional intelligence means balancing truth with empathy, so that the conversation remains constructive.
5. “Calm down.”
Have you ever been upset about something, only to be told, “Calm down”?
Did it ever actually help?
Well, telling someone to calm down often makes them feel patronized. It can also trivialize their feelings—like you’re saying there’s no valid reason for them to be upset.
A more empathetic approach is to acknowledge what the other person is going through.
Say something like:
“I see this is really stressful. How can I support you right now?”
That way, you’re validating their experience and offering to help them find a calmer state, rather than commanding them to chill out.
6. “If I were you…”
Sometimes we say this to give advice that we think is helpful.
But here’s the truth: we’re not them. We don’t have the same circumstances, experiences, or emotional makeup.
Saying “If I were you…” can come across as presumptuous, especially if we’ve never really experienced what the person is dealing with.
Here at Small Business Bonfire, we often discuss how everyone’s journey is unique, whether it’s in business or personal growth.
Instead of “If I were you,” try asking, “Have you considered…?” or “What do you think about…?”
That opens a door for discussion rather than imposing your mindset onto their situation.
7. “I’m only joking.”
We all love a good laugh, but sometimes jokes can sting.
Tacking on “I’m only joking” or “I was just kidding” can sound like you’re masking a rude or sarcastic remark as humor.
It might be polite-sounding in theory — because you’re claiming not to mean any harm — but in practice, it can shut down genuine dialogue about why the comment hurt in the first place.
Emotional intelligence involves checking in with your humor.
If your jokes frequently leave people feeling uncomfortable or belittled, it’s a sign you need to recalibrate.
Humor that builds camaraderie is great — humor that tears people down and then dismisses their reactions with “I’m only joking” is not.
8. “It’s not a big deal.”
When you tell someone “it’s not a big deal,” you might be trying to help them see the brighter side.
But if the person is visibly upset, it’s obviously a big deal to them.
This phrase can come across as dismissive. It implies their feelings aren’t valid or they’re overreacting.
Amy Morin, author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, points out that acknowledging someone’s emotions is crucial to building deeper connections.
A better approach is something like, “I see this is really bothering you. Want to talk about what’s making it feel so big?”
You’re not dismissing their experience — you’re giving them space to express it.
9. “I’m fine.”
Finally, let’s talk about “I’m fine.”
We might say this to avoid conflict or brush off concerns, but it can be a huge emotional intelligence blind spot.
When someone notices you’re upset or distant, and you respond with “I’m fine,” you’re missing a chance to connect. It can also confuse people who genuinely want to help but end up feeling shut out.
At the end of the day, “I’m fine” is usually code for “I’m not ready or willing to share.”
If you truly don’t want to dive into it, that’s okay, but be clear about that: “I appreciate your concern. I’m not feeling my best, but I need a little time before I talk about it.”
That level of honesty fosters respect and clear communication, rather than leaving people guessing.
To sum up
Emotional intelligence often reveals itself in small, everyday moments — like how we respond when someone’s upset, or the words we choose when offering feedback.
These nine polite-sounding phrases might seem harmless, but they can quickly shut down meaningful connections or trivialize what others feel.
Politeness is important, but it should never come at the cost of true empathy.
By staying aware of how our words might be interpreted and choosing language that fosters real understanding, we can show genuine consideration instead of superficial courtesy.
Keep on the up and up
