People-pleasers — we all know one, or perhaps you’ve been labeled as one yourself.
It’s easy to confuse people-pleasing with niceness, but in reality, they’re two different things.
Being nice comes from a place of genuine care and kindness, while people-pleasing is often rooted in fear and insecurity.
But how do you differentiate between someone who’s genuinely nice and a people-pleaser?
In this article, we’re diving into 9 of those signs to help you navigate your relationships more effectively.
1) They’re uncomfortable with conflict
In the world of people-pleasers, conflict is the ultimate enemy.
Think about it.
People-pleasers are driven by a deep-seated need to maintain harmony, to keep everyone around them happy. But in doing so, they often end up sidestepping their own needs and feelings.
They dread the thought of disagreement or confrontation. It’s like their kryptonite.
Does this sound familiar? If it does, you might be dealing with a people-pleaser rather than someone who’s just genuinely nice.
Take note though, this isn’t about them being peace-loving or diplomatic, but rather about them avoiding any form of disagreement at the expense of their own authenticity. That’s where the difference lies.
2) They constantly seek approval
Here’s a concept that psychologists often discuss: the need for external validation.
In essence, this is about seeking others’ approval to build up one’s own self-esteem. It’s a common trait among people-pleasers. But here’s the catch…
While everyone likes to be appreciated or acknowledged, people-pleasers take it to another level.
Their self-worth is heavily tied to what others think of them. They thrive on compliments and fear criticism like the plague.
It’s almost as if they’re performing on a stage, continually seeking applause to validate their actions and decisions.
Does that ring a bell?
If the person in question is always fishing for compliments or gets overly upset over criticism, they might be a people-pleaser. This need for external validation overrides their own opinion about themselves.
3) They struggle with saying ‘no’
Now, this might sound a bit surprising, especially after discussing the need for approval. After all, you’d expect someone seeking approval to be good at saying ‘yes’, right? Well, here’s the twist…
People-pleasers don’t just struggle with saying ‘yes’. They actually have a tough time saying ‘no’.
Because they’re so worried about disappointing others or causing conflict, they often agree to things they’d rather not do.
They might find themselves overcommitted and under pressure, all because they couldn’t turn down a request. They feel a tremendous sense of guilt at the mere thought of refusing someone.
Genuine niceness doesn’t involve self-sacrifice to the point of personal detriment.
4) They’re rarely the ones to make decisions
Ever noticed how some people always seem to defer to others when it comes to making decisions?
Instead of voicing their own preferences, they might always ask, “What do you want to do?” or “Where would you like to go?” They rarely take the lead, preferring instead to follow the choices of others.
This isn’t about being easy-going or flexible. It’s more about avoiding the risk of making a choice that others might not like.
People-pleasers often fear that asserting their own preference could lead to conflict or disapproval. So, they sidestep decision-making altogether.
5) They have a tendency to over-apologize
Over-apologizing is yet another hallmark of people-pleasers. They apologize even when it’s not necessary or even their fault. Here are a few examples:
- “Sorry for not responding sooner.”
- “I’m sorry if I’m bothering you.”
- “Sorry for asking, but…”
These unnecessary apologies are usually a preemptive measure to avoid any potential conflict or disagreement.
While it might seem polite on the surface, this constant need to apologize often stems from a fear of disapproval rather than genuine remorse.
If you notice the person in question frequently saying sorry for no apparent reason, it could be a sign that they’re not just nice – they’re a people-pleaser.
6) They’re often emotionally burnt out
Let’s face it, constantly trying to keep everyone happy is exhausting. I’ve been there, and maybe you have too. It’s draining, both physically and emotionally.
People-pleasers often end up feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. They carry the weight of others’ expectations and desires on their shoulders. And let me tell you, it’s a heavy burden to bear.
It’s like they’re running on a treadmill that never stops, always striving to meet the next demand or expectation. And that can lead to emotional burnout.
7) They’re uncomfortable with receiving
Imagine this scenario: you offer to help a friend with a task, but they constantly insist on doing it all by themselves. Or maybe you give them a gift and they seem more flustered than happy about it. What’s going on here?
People-pleasers are usually more comfortable in the role of the giver rather than the receiver. They find it hard to accept help or gifts because they don’t want to feel indebted or be a burden to anyone.
But isn’t friendship about give and take? Shouldn’t we feel comfortable both giving and receiving from those we care about?
8) They rarely express their true feelings
A few years ago, I had a close friend who surprised me by admitting that she often kept her true feelings to herself. She was always there for everyone else, always supportive and understanding.
But when it came to sharing her own feelings or problems, she would hold back.
People-pleasers often struggle to express their true feelings. They fear that showing any negative emotions might upset others or make them seem less likable.
So they put on a happy facade, always appearing positive and agreeable, even when they’re feeling anything but.
This lack of emotional honesty doesn’t stem from an intention to deceive or manipulate. It’s simply another way they try to avoid conflict and keep others happy.
9) They lack personal boundaries
Here’s the final, and perhaps most crucial sign: people-pleasers often have a hard time setting and maintaining personal boundaries.
They allow others to cross their boundaries in a bid to avoid conflict or disapproval. It might be spending their precious weekend helping a colleague with a project, or tolerating disrespectful behavior from a friend.
The problem is, without clear boundaries, they end up feeling used and unappreciated, even though they’re the ones allowing it.
Genuine niceness doesn’t mean being a doormat; it comes with respect for one’s own needs and limits.
So, are you dealing with a people-pleaser?
It’s worth noting that people-pleasing isn’t necessarily a bad trait.
It often comes from a place of empathy and a desire to make others happy. But when it starts to affect a person’s well-being or authenticity, it becomes a problem.
Here are a few things to consider if you’ve recognized these signs in someone close to you:
- Approach them with understanding and empathy.
- Encourage them to express their feelings and needs.
- Help them realize the value of setting personal boundaries.
Everyone has the capacity for change. If you’re dealing with a people-pleaser, help them see that they don’t need to please everyone all the time.
And if you’ve recognized these signs in yourself, know that it’s okay to put your own needs first sometimes. After all, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Reflect on these signs and think about how they might be affecting your relationships. It might just lead to more genuine and fulfilling interactions.
