There was a time I had something weighing heavily on my heart, something I couldn’t wait to share with my best friend.
I hoped for a moment of connection, a safe space to be heard. Instead, their response hit me like a cold wave—not cruel, just empty.
That day, I realized how certain phrases, seemingly harmless, can quietly strip away the comfort we seek, exposing a lack of empathy that’s hard to ignore.
Here are 9 such phrases that speak louder than they seem.
1) “I don’t understand why you’re upset.”
Empathy involves recognizing and validating someone else’s feelings, even when we don’t fully understand them.
When we say, “I don’t understand why you’re upset,” it can sound dismissive and imply that their emotions aren’t justified.
This response can make the other person feel unheard, which can make their feelings more intense.
Instead of focusing on your lack of understanding, shift the focus to offering space for them to express themselves.
A better response might be: “I see you’re upset. Can you help me understand why?” This shows genuine interest in their feelings and opens the door for deeper understanding and connection.
2) “It’s not that big of a deal.”
Saying, “It’s not that big of a deal,” is meant to reassure someone, but it can unintentionally minimize their feelings.
Everyone has a different threshold for what feels significant, and what seems small to one person can be overwhelming to another.
When we brush off someone’s emotions, it can make them feel dismissed and unsupported.
A more compassionate approach is to acknowledge the person’s experience by saying, “I can see how this is really difficult for you.” It provides empathy and validation, allowing them to feel heard and supported in expressing their emotions without fear of judgment or belittlement.
3) “You’re too sensitive.”
Telling someone, “You’re too sensitive,” is an easy way to invalidate their feelings and suggest that their emotions are exaggerated or unreasonable.
However, sensitivity varies from person to person, and what may seem like an overreaction to one person could be an entirely valid response for someone else.
Labeling someone as “too sensitive” not only invalidates their feelings but also puts them on the defensive.
4) “Why can’t you just move on?”
Moving on from a painful experience isn’t something that happens on a set timeline—it’s a personal journey, and for some, it may take longer than for others.
Suggesting that someone should simply “move on” can feel dismissive, as it minimizes their pain and makes it seem like they should rush through their emotions to meet someone else’s expectations.
Rather than pushing them to “move on,” it’s more helpful to acknowledge their struggle.
5) “I’m just being honest.”
Honesty is important, but it should never come at the cost of someone’s feelings.
As Theodore Roosevelt reminds us, “No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.” While truth is essential, the way we deliver it makes all the difference. Instead of using honesty as an excuse to be blunt or harsh, try framing your words with empathy.
For example, saying, “I hope you know I’m sharing this because I care about you and want the best for you,” ensures that your honesty is constructive and supportive, rather than critical or hurtful.
6) “That doesn’t make sense.”
When someone shares something that doesn’t immediately make sense to us, we might feel the urge to say, “That doesn’t make sense.”
Although this may seem harmless, it can unintentionally undermine the other person’s experience, implying that their feelings or perspective are illogical.
Emotions aren’t always rooted in logic—they’re deeply personal and sometimes hard to articulate.
Anaïs Nin once said, “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”
This reminds us that our perspective can shape how we interpret others’ emotions.
Responding with, “Help me understand your perspective better” allows for a deeper connection, fostering understanding and empathy.
7) “At least it’s not…”
The phrase “At least it’s not…” is intended to help someone put their situation into perspective, but it can minimize their experience by comparing it to something worse.
Even though other situations may indeed be more severe, it’s crucial to remember that a person’s feelings are valid, regardless of what others may be going through.
This comparison can make someone feel as though their struggles aren’t important or that they should feel guilty for having their own challenges.
8) “You’re just looking for attention.”
Accusing someone of “just looking for attention” is a dismissive and invalidating response to their feelings, suggesting that their emotions are not genuine.
When people open up about their struggles, they seek connection and empathy, hoping for understanding rather than judgment.
In the words of Brad Meltzer, “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.”
Labeling their vulnerability as attention-seeking can deepen their sense of isolation, making them feel as though their concerns are not worthy of attention.
9) “I don’t have time for this.”
When we’re busy, it’s tempting to say, “I don’t have time for this,” but that can make the other person feel as though their emotions or concerns aren’t important.
Everyone deserves to feel heard, even when time is limited.
Thich Nhat Hanh noted, “The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention.”
If addressing the issue right away isn’t possible, a more thoughtful approach would be: “I can see this is really important to you. Let’s find a time to talk when I can give you my full attention.”
This shows you’re willing to prioritize their feelings and take the time to understand their perspective, even if it’s not convenient in the moment.
Wrapping it up: It’s about empathy
Human interaction and communication are shaped by our ability to empathize.
Empathy—understanding and sharing others’ feelings—is key to effective communication, fostering connection and understanding.
However, it’s not always easy to empathize, especially when others’ emotions differ from our own. This can lead to unintentionally hurtful phrases.
Recognizing these moments and replacing them with more empathetic responses is crucial for compassionate communication.
It’s not about perfection, but about trying to validate others’ feelings. Stephen Covey famously remarked, “When you show deep empathy toward others, their defensive energy goes down, and positive energy replaces it.”
Let’s strive for empathy, fostering respect and understanding in our relationships.
