Navigating the dating world can be tricky, especially when it comes to subtle red flags that aren’t easily noticeable.
One such red flag is covert narcissism—a form of narcissism that’s less obvious than its overt counterpart but just as damaging.
Covert narcissists can be particularly difficult to spot because they often come across as sensitive and introverted, masking their self-centeredness with a facade of vulnerability.
And believe me, they are a whole different kettle of fish. They’re expert manipulators who hide their narcissism under a carefully constructed mask of normalcy.
In this piece, I’ll share with you 8 signs to help you identify if you’re dating such an individual. I hope it will be helpful for making informed choices in your love life.
Let’s get started.
1) They’re exceptionally charming, at first
With a covert narcissist, the beginning of your relationship will feel like an absolute fairy tale. That’s because a covert narcissist knows how to charm you off your feet.
But this charm is merely a mask they wear to draw you in and gain your trust. It’s a classic move in their playbook, and one that can be quite deceiving.
Over time, however, you may notice that this charm is not consistent. It seems to be turned on and off depending on their needs.
One moment they’re the prince or princess of your dreams, the next they’re cold and dismissive.
Of course, we’re all human and have our off days, so hot-and-cold behavior isn’t an automatic red flag.
The key thing here is inconsistency. If their charm feels more like a performance than genuine affection, trust your gut. It’s raising a warning sign.
2) They never take responsibility
Covert narcissists are also adept at deflection. Just like overt narcissists, they won’t take responsibility for their behavior if they’ve hurt someone.
They may engage in what psychologists call “narcissistic projection“, where they’ll “project” or see their own negative behaviors, emotions, and traits in someone else.
Why do they do this? Simple — to protect their fragile self-esteem and cover up their insecurities.
Once, I was in a relationship with a guy who was a master at this. No matter what went wrong, it was never his fault. It took me a while to realize that this was one of his many manipulative tactics.
It’s always someone else’s fault or some external circumstance that’s to blame for their mistakes or failures. They can twist and turn every situation until you’re left feeling like you’re the one at fault.
If you find your partner constantly shifting blame and refusing to take responsibility for their actions, it’s a red flag that you might be dealing with a covert narcissist.
3) They’re expert gaslighters
Gaslighting is a term that gets thrown around a lot these days. But what does it actually mean?
Well, gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where the narcissist makes you question your own reality or sanity.
I’ve seen this happen way too often in relationships and, trust me, it’s one of the most damaging forms of emotional abuse.
In my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship, I delve deeper into the topic of gaslighting and how to protect yourself from it.
If your partner makes you feel like you’re always wrong, or that your memory or perception is faulty, you might be a victim of gaslighting.
This is a very serious sign that you could be dating a covert narcissist. Nobody should make you question your own sanity — stick to your guns and refuse to be manipulated this way.
4) They’re surprisingly sensitive
Now, this might sound counterintuitive. Narcissistic individuals being sensitive? But hear me out.
As I mentioned earlier, covert narcissists have a very fragile ego. They may appear strong and confident on the surface, but any slight criticism or perceived slight can lead to a major meltdown.
This hypersensitivity is often masked as them being “deeply emotional” or “passionate.”
In contrast, a mature person can handle constructive criticism. They use it as a tool for growth, rather than seeing it as a personal attack.
So if your partner always overreacts to criticism or if they interpret neutral comments as personal attacks, you might be dealing with a covert narcissist.
It’s a tricky sign to spot, but once you’re aware of it, it can be quite revealing.
5) They lack empathy
This one’s extra tricky because covert narcissists usually put up a “nice person” front.
They may feign concern or sympathy when it suits them, but in reality, they struggle to understand or share the feelings of others.
You might not notice right away that they actually lack empathy, given their “kind and compassionate” manner.
But over time, you’ll start to notice inconsistencies between their words and actions. Their purported empathy doesn’t translate into genuine concern or support, especially when you need it most.
Eventually, this discrepancy can leave you feeling unsupported and misunderstood in the relationship, and you’ll begin to see their deeper emotional detachment.
6) They leave you feeling drained
Let’s get real for a minute. Relationships aren’t always easy, but they shouldn’t leave you feeling consistently drained or exhausted.
A relationship with a covert narcissist often feels like an emotional rollercoaster.
One moment you’re on cloud nine, the next, you’re questioning your own worth. They have a knack for sucking the energy right out of you.
If you find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, trying to avoid their mood swings or outbursts, it’s a sign that something’s not right.
The truth is, being in a relationship with a covert narcissist can be emotionally draining.
It’s important to recognize this and take steps to protect your mental health. You deserve to be in a relationship that energizes you, not one that leaves you feeling depleted.
7) They have a grandiose sense of self-importance
I once dated a guy who thought he was God’s gift to humanity. At first, his confidence was attractive, but over time it became clear that this was more than just self-assuredness. He had a grandiose sense of self-importance.
Covert narcissists often believe they’re superior to others, even if they don’t openly show it.
They tend to think that they are unique and special, and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people.
Strangely, studies show a unique twist — even with this grandiose sense of superiority, they have incredibly low self-esteem. It’s why they are highly sensitive to criticism or advice.
Lastly, let’s talk about connection. Can you really connect with a covert narcissist in the real sense of the word?
I’m afraid not.
You see, covert narcissists are often emotionally unavailable. They can be distant and aloof, and seem uninterested in sharing or understanding your feelings.
They may avoid deep emotional conversations, dismiss your emotional needs, or be unresponsive when you express your feelings. It’s like trying to connect with a brick wall.
Emotional unavailability can leave you feeling isolated in the relationship. You’re not alone in feeling this way, and it’s not your fault.
You deserve someone who is willing to connect with you on an emotional level. If your partner consistently shows a lack of emotional availability, it’s a clear sign that you might be dating a covert narcissist.
Wrapping up
Dating a covert narcissist can be difficult and confusing with all the mixed signals and emotional games. Recognizing these signs early can help you understand what you’re dealing with and decide how to proceed.
It’s completely up to you if you want to take a chance on them, but keep in mind that a relationship should bring comfort and joy, not constant doubt and insecurity.
If you find yourself feeling more drained than uplifted, it might be time to reevaluate what you truly need and deserve from a partnership.
Protecting your emotional well-being is crucial, and sometimes that means stepping away from toxic dynamics to find healthier, more fulfilling connections.
If you recognize these signs and are struggling to navigate your relationship, I encourage you to check out my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship. It’s packed with practical advice and strategies to help you take back control of your love life.
Stay strong, trust your gut, and remember – you got this.
