As parents, we pour our hearts into raising our children, guiding them through every stage of life. But once they’re grown, the dynamic shifts, and building a healthy, fulfilling relationship with adult children can feel like unfamiliar territory.
Maybe you’ve noticed some distance or tension in your interactions, and you’re left wondering, What changed?
The truth is, just as our children evolve, so must the way we communicate and connect with them. Holding onto old patterns can create barriers instead of bridges.
If you want to nurture a stronger, more open relationship with your adult children, it may be time to let go of certain behaviors. Here are seven common habits that could be standing in the way.
Are you ready to make the shift?
1) Being overly critical
It’s natural to want to guide our children, but remember, they are adults now. They need to make their own decisions and learn from their own mistakes.
As noted by Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein, a parent coach, and psychologist, “Parents who frequently criticize or dismiss their adult child’s feelings or achievements can inflict emotional harm, causing them to feel inadequate and unvalued”
As you might imagine, this can lead to resentment and strain in your relationship. I mean, who wants to feel that way?
There’s a difference between giving constructive feedback and constantly criticizing. Your role now isn’t to correct them at every turn, but to support and respect their choices.
Let them know that you’re there for advice if they need it, but don’t force it on them.
2) Ignoring boundaries
Respecting boundaries is crucial in any relationship, and my relationship with my adult son was no exception.
A few years ago, I made the mistake of meddling in my son’s career decisions. I thought I was helping him by sharing my experience and suggesting what I believed was the best path for him. But instead of feeling supported, he felt suffocated and disrespected.
I had crossed a boundary.
It took a sincere conversation for me to understand that even though he’s my child, he’s also an adult with his own set of values and aspirations.
From that day on, I made it a point to respect his boundaries. If he asks for advice, I share my thoughts. But if not, I trust he knows what’s best for him.
Anyway, enough about me.
The point is if you want a better relationship with your grown kids, it’s important to recognize and respect their boundaries. Trust me, it can make a world of difference.
3) Overstepping in their parenting decisions
This is a big one.
As grandparents, we might feel the urge to offer our own parenting advice. I know I do, anyway!
However, parenting styles have evolved over time, and what worked for us might not work for our children. Overstepping in their parenting decisions can be seen as undermining their authority as parents.
Of course, if they ask for advice, feel free to share your wisdom. Just remember that ultimately, the decisions are theirs to make.
4) Holding onto old grudges
Your adult child may have made mistakes in the past. They might have said or done things that hurt you. But it’s essential to remember that people change and grow over time.
Holding onto old grudges can stifle the growth of your relationship and, as noted by the folks at Psych Central, “can affect you physically and emotionally.”
It’s important to let go of the past and focus on the present.
It doesn’t mean forgetting what happened, but it does mean forgiving and moving forward. This will open up space for more positive interactions and a healthier relationship.
5) Neglecting to listen
I think one of the biggest mistakes of parents is always trying to fix things, but as noted by the author Steve Maraboli, “Sometimes we need someone to just listen. Not to try and fix anything or offer alternatives, but to just be there… to listen. An ear that listens can be medicine for a heart that hurts.”
This includes our kids.
It’s about understanding their feelings, acknowledging their thoughts, and validating their experiences. It’s about being fully present in the conversation and showing genuine interest in what they say.
When we neglect to listen, even if it’s because we are jumping to the fixing part, we send a message that their words aren’t valued or important. This can erode trust and create a rift in your relationship.
Show them that their voice matters. It’s a simple act that can have a profound impact on your relationship.
6) Dismissing their feelings
We all want to be heard and understood, especially by our loved ones. Dismissing your adult child’s feelings can lead to them feeling invalidated or unimportant.
Their feelings might seem irrational or overblown to you, but it’s crucial to remember that their emotions are real to them.
If they’re upset, instead of brushing it off or telling them they’re overreacting, try empathizing with them. Let them know that it’s okay to feel the way they do and that you’re there for them.
7) Refusing to apologize
One of the most powerful things you can do to improve your relationship with your adult children is to apologize when you’re wrong.
Nobody is perfect, and we all make mistakes. When you refuse to apologize, it can make your adult children feel disrespected and undervalued.
Apologizing when you’re wrong shows humility and respect. It acknowledges the hurt or inconvenience you’ve caused and shows them that you value their feelings.
Final thoughts: Relationships are a journey
As parents, we often harbor deep-seated desires for our children’s happiness and success. But it’s crucial to remember that our adult children are their own people, with their own dreams and ambitions.
Developing a better relationship with our adult children isn’t about relinquishing control or losing influence. It’s about shifting from a role of governance to one of guidance.
Saying goodbye to these behaviors isn’t a guarantee for a perfect relationship, but it’s a step towards understanding and mutual respect. It’s about opening doors for better communication, deeper connection, and shared growth.
As American author and motivational speaker, Denis Waitley said, “The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.”
And perhaps, in fostering these gifts, we can build stronger, healthier relationships with our adult children.
