Ever had a chat where something feels wrong? Maybe the other person is saying all the right words, but it still seems off.
It might feel like they’re not really hearing you, or they don’t seem to care.
Sounds familiar? You’ve probably heard some phrases that sound nice but really show a lack of emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence is being able to understand and manage your feelings, as well as figuring out and affecting how others feel.
If someone doesn’t have this, it can make talking to them tough and annoying.
In this article, we’re going to look at 11 phrases that might sound nice but actually show a lack of emotional intelligence.
1. “Calm down”
Have you ever told someone to “calm down” and noticed that it often has the opposite effect?
Though it might seem like a helpful suggestion, telling someone to “calm down” can come across as dismissive of their feelings.
It’s like saying their response is overblown or not justified, which can make them feel misunderstood or not heard.
This phrase shows a lack of emotional intelligence because it fails to respect and acknowledge the other person’s feelings. Instead of helping them calm down, it might even amplify their emotions.
A better response would be to show understanding and empathy. Maybe say something like “I can see you’re upset, can we talk about what happened?” This way, you’re opening up a conversation instead of shutting down their emotions.
2. “You’re overreacting”
Ever heard someone say “you’re overreacting”? How did it make you feel?
Probably not great. This phrase can be quite hurtful because it minimizes someone’s feelings or experiences.
It implies that their reaction is not valid or too extreme, which can be very dismissive. It shows a lack of emotional intelligence as it fails to empathize with the person’s feelings or perspective.
A more emotionally intelligent response would be to validate their feelings, even if you don’t fully understand why they’re reacting the way they are. Instead, consider saying something like, “I see this really upset you, would you like to talk about it?”
This shows you’re interested in their perspective and are open to understanding more about what they’re going through.
3. “It’s not that big of a deal”
Sometimes, without realizing it, we can downplay someone’s feelings or experiences. We might say something like “It’s not that big of a deal”.
I remember this one time when my friend was really upset because she didn’t get the job she had interviewed for. She was devastated and shared her disappointment with me. Without thinking, I said, “It’s not that big of a deal, you’ll find another job.”
While my intention was to make her feel better by showing her that there are other opportunities, it ended up making her feel like I didn’t value her feelings. It seemed like I was belittling her disappointment.
That phrase showed a lack of emotional intelligence on my part because I was dismissing her feelings instead of acknowledging them.
A better approach would have been to say something like, “I can see how disappointed you are. It’s hard when you don’t get something you really want.” This way, I would have validated her feelings and shown empathy for her situation.
4. “I know exactly how you feel”
While “I know exactly how you feel” might seem like a phrase of empathy, it can often come across as presumptuous.
Why? Because no two people’s experiences are exactly the same. What might be a minor issue for one person could be a major issue for another.
So when we say “I know exactly how you feel,” we risk minimizing their feelings or experiences.
Interestingly, a study found that when people said “I know how you feel,” the other person was less likely to share more about their experience. It seems that this phrase can inadvertently shut down the conversation.
Instead of saying “I know exactly how you feel”, try saying something like “That sounds really tough, I’m here for you”. This acknowledges their feelings without assuming that you understand their experience completely.
5. “At least it’s not…”
The phrase “At least it’s not…” is often used with good intentions, aiming to help the other person see the “bright side” of a situation.
However, it can unintentionally make someone feel like their feelings are invalid or unimportant. It’s as if you’re telling them that they shouldn’t feel bad because someone else has it worse.
Imagine a close friend sharing with you that they’re struggling with loneliness. Responding with “At least it’s not a serious illness” doesn’t acknowledge their pain; instead, it compares their struggle to something else.
And here’s the heartfelt part: we all go through different challenges in life, and it’s not fair to minimize someone’s feelings because we think others have it worse. Pain is pain, no matter what causes it.
6. “You always…” or “You never…”
Have you ever been accused of always or never doing something? I have, and it didn’t feel good.
One time, a colleague told me, “You never take my suggestions seriously.” It felt like an attack rather than constructive feedback. It made me defensive and less open to understanding his point of view.
These phrases, “You always…” or “You never…”, are often exaggerations and can put the listener on the defensive. They can make a person feel like they’re being unfairly judged on their past behavior instead of focusing on the issue at hand.
This lack of emotional intelligence can lead to unnecessary conflict. A more emotionally intelligent approach would be to focus on the specific behavior or instance that was problematic.
7. “You’re too sensitive”
Let’s be real here. No one likes to be told they’re “too sensitive”. It’s a punch in the gut. It’s like someone is telling you there’s something wrong with how you naturally react to the world around you.
This phrase is often used to dismiss someone’s feelings or reactions. It invalidates their emotions and can make them feel guilty for having them.
The raw truth is, we all experience things differently. What might seem like an overreaction to one person can be a completely normal response for another.
Telling someone they’re “too sensitive” shows a lack of emotional intelligence because it doesn’t respect their feelings or perspective.
8. “It’s all in your head”
The phrase “It’s all in your head” can sound dismissive and condescending. It suggests that a person’s feelings or experiences aren’t real, but are instead imagined or exaggerated.
Here’s an interesting fact: a study found that invalidating someone’s experience, such as telling them that their feelings are “all in their head,” can actually increase their emotional distress.
By suggesting that they’re imagining things, you’re dismissing their feelings and experiences. This shows a lack of emotional intelligence, as it fails to empathize with the person’s feelings.
A more emotionally intelligent response would be to validate their feelings and show empathy, perhaps by saying something like “I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Can you tell me more about what you’re experiencing?” This opens up the conversation and invites them to share more about their experience.
9. “I told you so”
We’ve all experienced the sting of hearing “I told you so”. I remember when I decided to start a new project at work, despite my colleague warning me that it would be too time-consuming. When I eventually got overwhelmed and had to drop the project, they said, “I told you so.”
Instead of offering support or understanding, this phrase can come across as gloating or scolding. It’s like rubbing salt in a wound – it’s not helpful and it doesn’t make the situation any better.
Saying “I told you so” shows a lack of emotional intelligence because it focuses on being right rather than empathizing with the other person’s situation.
10. “Just get over it”
Let’s cut to the chase. “Just get over it” is a phrase that’s often used to dismiss someone’s feelings or experiences. It’s like saying, “Your feelings are inconvenient, so please stop having them.”
But here’s the thing: emotions don’t work that way. You can’t just flip a switch and stop feeling a certain way. Telling someone to “just get over it” is like telling them their feelings aren’t important, which can make them feel misunderstood and alone.
Instead of telling someone to “get over it”, try saying something like “I’m here for you, take the time you need.” This shows empathy and understanding, and lets them know they’re not alone.
11. “I don’t care”
Here’s the hard truth: saying “I don’t care” is one of the most emotionally unintelligent things you can say. It directly communicates a lack of empathy and concern for the other person’s feelings or perspective.
Even if you’re feeling frustrated or disconnected in a situation, saying “I don’t care” closes down communication and can hurt the other person’s feelings. It’s like saying their thoughts or feelings have no value to you.
Instead of saying “I don’t care”, try expressing your feelings in a more constructive way, such as “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, can we talk about this later?” This communicates your emotional state without dismissing the other person’s thoughts or feelings.
