I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit piecing together the little things that shaped who I am today.
It wasn’t always obvious, but the more I’ve reflected, the clearer it’s become—our childhoods leave their mark, especially when we’ve had to go without the emotional support we needed.
If you grew up feeling like you had to figure things out on your own, that experience likely shows up in ways you might not even realize. The independence, the self-reliance, the walls you’ve built—they all tell a story.
And while some of these traits can help us get by, they can also hold us back.
Let’s take a closer look at nine common traits people develop when they didn’t get that crucial emotional support growing up.
1) High independence
A common trait among those who lacked emotional support as children is a strong sense of independence.
It’s no secret that our early experiences shape our later behavior. And when a child doesn’t receive the emotional support they need, they quickly learn to rely on themselves.
This independence can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, it can lead to remarkable self-reliance and resilience. It’s the fuel behind many successful entrepreneurs and innovators.
But on the flipside, this level of independence can create a barrier to emotional intimacy. It can make it difficult to ask for help, even when it’s needed.
2) Difficulty trusting others
Trust can be a tricky concept for those of us who didn’t receive adequate emotional support in our formative years. I remember it from my own experience.
Growing up, I always felt like I had to be on guard, that I couldn’t fully rely on the adults in my life. This lack of emotional security left a lasting impact, and it still surfaces now and then in my adult relationships.
For instance, I tend to be overly cautious when getting close to new people. It takes me a while to let my guard down and really trust someone. And I’m not alone—research confirms this link between early attachment and our adult experiences with intimacy.
A study published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health found that individuals with a high fear of rejection due to insecure attachment in childhood often struggle to build trust in their romantic relationships.
3) Overachievement
Individuals who lacked emotional support as kids often morph into overachievers in adulthood. This might seem counterintuitive, but there’s a compelling reason behind it.
Many of these children learn to equate achievement with worthiness. If they can excel in school, sports, or other activities, they believe they might earn the love and validation they crave.
Harvard psychologist Dr. Alice Miller calls this phenomenon “the drama of the gifted child.” It explains a child’s ability to sense and fulfill the parents’ expectations at the cost of their own needs and feelings.
So, if you find yourself constantly striving for perfection, it might be worth examining whether this drive stems from a lack of emotional support in your childhood.
4) Emotional detachment
Another trait often seen in people who lacked emotional support during childhood is emotional detachment. It is a tendency to suppress or disconnect from your emotions.
When emotional support is inconsistent or absent during childhood, it can be safer to hide one’s feelings than to express them. Over time, this defense mechanism can become a habit that carries over into adulthood.
This detachment can make it difficult to form close relationships or to fully engage with one’s own emotions. It might manifest as a sense of numbness or aloofness, even in situations that would typically evoke strong feelings.
5) Strong desire for control
Control can feel like a lifeline for those who grew up without consistent emotional support. If they could control their environment, they might avoid the unpredictable emotional ups and downs they experienced as children.
This desire for control can show up in various ways in adulthood. It could be a need for order and predictability, an intolerance for change, or a tendency to micromanage in work or personal relationships.
While a certain degree of control is healthy and even necessary, an extreme need for it can create tension and conflict.
6) Deep empathy for others
On the surface, this trait may seem like a positive one. And in many ways, it is. But like all things, it has its complexities.
Those who lacked emotional support as children often develop a heightened sense of empathy. They’re able to deeply understand and share the feelings of others, having experienced their own share of emotional pain.
But this deep empathy can sometimes lead to self-neglect. It’s easy for them to get so caught up in others’ feelings that they forget to care for their own emotional well-being.
7) Prone to isolation
Growing up without emotional support can often lead to a tendency towards isolation in adulthood. I’ve found this to be true in my own life.
I enjoy my own company and often prefer quiet solitude over social gatherings. It’s not that I don’t like people, but rather that being alone feels safer, less complicated. There’s a sense of control and predictability in solitude that’s comforting.
This can sometimes be misconstrued as antisocial behavior, to me it feels more like self-preservation than anything else. It’s just another way those of us who lacked emotional support as children have learned to cope.
8) Self-criticism
Self-criticism is a common trait in those who lacked emotional support in their childhood. It’s as if the lack of positive reinforcement during their formative years creates an internal voice that’s quick to find flaws and slow to give praise.
This internal voice can be harsh and unrelenting, often leading to feelings of inadequacy and a lack of self-esteem. It’s not uncommon for these individuals to feel like they’re never quite good enough, no matter how much they achieve.
Interestingly, research shows just how deeply parental support can shape a child’s emotional landscape. A longitudinal study from the Early Head Start Research and Evaluation Project found that parental supportiveness and child emotion regulation are linked in a transactional relationship, meaning they influence each other over time.
This back-and-forth interaction significantly predicts how well children are able to regulate their emotions and, ultimately, their readiness for school.
When parents are supportive, children develop better emotion regulation skills, which helps buffer against the harsh self-criticism that can arise from a lack of emotional support. Without this, that critical inner voice often becomes more dominant, shaping how they view themselves well into adulthood.
9) Resilience
Despite the challenges and hardships, one remarkable trait that often develops in those who lacked emotional support as a child is resilience. They’ve weathered the storms of their past and emerged stronger on the other side.
This resilience is a testament to their strength and adaptability. It’s proof that no matter what life throws at them, they have the capacity to bounce back and continue moving forward.
Final thoughts: Take off your armor
I’ve learned that understanding how our childhood shapes us can help us see ourselves more clearly, allowing us to finally take off the armor we’ve carried for too long.
We may have grown up thinking we had to tough it out alone, but the truth is, it’s okay to need support. It’s okay to lean on others and let people in.
Often, the hardest thing to do is let go of the defense mechanisms we’ve relied on for years. But when you take off your armor, you open the door to growth, healing, and a truer version of yourself. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s also freeing.
So, if you’ve carried that weight for a while, maybe it’s time to set it down and see what life feels like without it. You might be surprised at how much lighter you feel.
