Why is it that some people have a close-knit, supportive relationship with their parents while others rarely see or talk to their folks?
According to psychology, it’s not always a matter of choice or personality; sometimes, the roots of these dynamics trace back to our childhood.
There are certain formative experiences that significantly influence the emotional distance—or closeness—between parents and their children.
If you find yourself in a strained relationship with your folks, you might see reflections of these experiences in your own life.
Let’s explore the nine key experiences that psychology shows contributes to emotional distance between parents and their children.
1) They experienced a lack of emotional availability
Emotional availability is more than just being physically present. It’s about being receptive, understanding, and responsive to a child’s emotional needs.
Growing up, many people who aren’t close to their parents as adults often felt a sense of emotional detachment from them.
This might not have been as blatant as neglect or abandonment. It could’ve been subtler:
- Consistently prioritizing their work over family time
- Not showing interest in their child’s activities or emotions
- Not providing comfort during stressful times
These parents might’ve been physically present but emotionally distant. Maybe they weren’t emotionally expressive, or they suppressed their child’s emotions calling them ‘overreactions’.
This lack of emotional availability can lead to children growing up feeling disconnected from their parents, carrying this into their adult relationships.
2) They were held to unrealistic standards
A frequent experience among those who aren’t close to their parents is that they were often held to unattainable standards during their childhood.
These standards could have been about academic performance, behavior, physical appearance, or any number of things.
The common thread is that no matter how hard they tried, it never seemed to be good enough.
Parents may have compared them to siblings, peers, or even their own “ideal” child. This constant comparison and the pressure to meet such high expectations can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.
Over time, these individuals may have distanced themselves from their parents in an attempt to escape this pressure and find their own sense of self-worth.
3) They received excessive praise
While it may seem like children who receive lots of praise from their parents would naturally grow close to them, this isn’t always the case.
Children who are excessively praised or constantly told they are special may grow up feeling a sense of entitlement or develop unrealistic expectations of themselves and others.
This excessive praise can also be confusing and frustrating if it doesn’t align with the child’s own perception of their abilities. It can feel insincere or create pressure to maintain the image their parents have created.
As adults, these individuals may distance themselves from their parents, as they strive to establish a more authentic self-image, independent of their parents’ inflated perceptions.
4) They were exposed to parental conflict
It’s a hard truth, but growing up in a home where conflict was the norm can significantly strain a child’s relationship with their parents.
Whether it was constant bickering, intense arguments, or even silent treatment between parents – these experiences can be deeply unsettling for a child.
Children don’t have the emotional maturity to understand adult conflicts. All they perceive is the hostility, the tension, and the chaos.
This exposure can make home feel like an unsafe space, and parents, instead of being sources of comfort, become figures of stress and anxiety.
As they grow older, they might distance themselves from their parents in an attempt to create a peaceful environment that they never had in their childhood.
5) They had parents with personal struggles
As children, we tend to see our parents as invincible – our superheroes. But the reality is, parents are human and they too face personal struggles.
Whether it was dealing with job stress, financial troubles, mental health issues, or battling addiction – these personal struggles can unknowingly create a gap between parents and children.
It’s not that these parents don’t love their children or want to be there for them. It’s just that sometimes, their personal battles can be so overwhelming that it unintentionally takes away from the quality of their parenting.
Children in these situations often grow up too fast, shouldering responsibilities and emotions that they aren’t equipped to handle yet.
As a result, they can struggle to form a close bond with their parents – not out of resentment, but as a coping mechanism to protect themselves from the emotional turmoil they experienced growing up.
6) They weren’t allowed to express individuality
Every child is unique, and it’s natural for them to want to express their individuality – be it through their choice of clothes, hobbies, friends, or dreams.
However, some parents, for various reasons, might have a tough time accepting their child’s individuality. They may:
- Enforce strict rules
- Control choices
- Try to mould the child into who they want them to be
Growing up in such an environment can be stifling. The child may feel like they’re living someone else’s life and not their own, causing them to distance themselves from their parents, seeking space and freedom.
7) They were the family peacekeepers
If you were the one always trying to diffuse tension at the dinner table or mediating family arguments, you might chuckle at this one.
Being the ‘family peacekeeper’ can often mean growing up faster than you should have. You had to understand adult emotions and conflicts way before your peers did.
While it might have made you an excellent negotiator, it also might have put distance between you and your parents.
Over time, constantly playing the peacekeeper can become exhausting, leading some to step back from their family in order to find their own peace.
8) They were given too much freedom
While it’s important to let children explore and learn on their own, too much freedom without guidance can be harmful.
Children who were allowed to do whatever they wanted without much parental supervision or intervention may have initially enjoyed the liberty, but ultimately, they missed out on essential guidance and support.
Growing up without boundaries can leave a child feeling lost and unguided. They might interpret this lack of structure as neglect, feeling that their parents didn’t care enough to set rules or guide them.
As they’ve learned to navigate life largely on their own, this can affect the ability to form close bonds with their parents.
9) They lacked open communication
If there’s one thing to take away from this list, it’s the importance of open communication in a parent-child relationship.
Growing up, many people who aren’t close to their parents often faced communication barriers.
Maybe their parents weren’t approachable, perhaps deep conversations were discouraged, or the fear of being judged or misunderstood stopped them from expressing their thoughts and feelings.
This lack of open communication can lead to misunderstandings and unresolved issues that carry into adulthood, making it difficult for these individuals to form close bonds with their parents.
Wrapping it up
If you recognize some or all of these experiences in your own life, know that your feelings are valid. It’s okay to feel hurt, confused, or distant from your parents.
By reflecting on these nine key experiences, you can start to unravel the complexities of your relationship with your parents and gain a deeper understanding of why things are the way they are.
This awareness is the first step toward healing and improving your connection.
Know that you don’t have to deal with this alone – there are numerous resources available, including therapists and support groups, who can help guide you on this journey.
Finally, remember that it’s okay to protect your peace and create boundaries where necessary. It doesn’t make you a bad person; it makes you a responsible one – responsible for your emotional health and well-being.
