Being a parent never really ends, but as children become adults, the dynamic shifts—and certain behaviors that worked in their younger years might now be driving a wedge.
Unfortunately, even well-meaning parents could cling to habits that inadvertently distance them from their grown children.
Adults often need support, not advice, and letting go of these counterproductive habits like this can strengthen your bond.
Let’s explore each of these habits and see how a small change can open up space for a healthier, more open relationship.
1) Overstepping boundaries
One of the most common subtle behaviors that can strain your relationship with adult children is the tendency to overstep boundaries.
As parents, it’s natural to feel protective and involved in your child’s life. However, when your child steps into adulthood, it’s crucial to respect their autonomy and personal space.
Overstepping boundaries can take various forms such as:
- Asking too many personal questions
- Intruding into their private life
- Making decisions on their behalf without consultation
While these actions might stem from a place of care and concern, they can inadvertently create a sense of intrusion or control in your adult child’s life.
According to counselor Dr. Rachel Glik:
“Adults in their 20s, 30s and 40s have a more psychologically informed idea of a healthy relationship and many parents are not prepared to make these kinds of changes in their dynamic.
“Adult children are setting boundaries with how parents interact with them (and their grandchildren) as well as parents’ involvement in their day to day and personal lives. “
Respecting boundaries doesn’t mean you can’t be involved in their lives or share advice. It simply means recognizing their need for space and independence, and honoring that need.
This respect not only strengthens your bond but also builds trust and mutual respect between you and your adult children.
2) Offering unsolicited advice
The second subtle behavior that could potentially strain your relationship with your adult children is giving unsolicited advice.
Again, it’s natural for parents to want to guide their children based on their own experiences and wisdom.
The thing is, adult children can so easily take unsolicited advice the wrong way. They may interpret it as interference or a lack of confidence in their ability to make decisions.
Offering unsolicited advice can inadvertently send a message that you think they’re incapable of handling their own affairs or that they can’t make sound decisions without your input.
The key is to offer advice only when asked for, and even then, try to guide them in a way that helps them make their own decisions rather than dictating what they should do.
This approach encourages them to be independent thinkers and shows respect for their ability to manage their own lives.
3) Attempting to solve their problems
Still on the topic of wanting to protect your kids and help them navigate life’s difficulties, how often do you step in to solve their problems now that they’re adults?
If this is something that feels instinctive to you — and therefore you do it without considering if they want your help — then you could be doing more harm than good.
Again, it’s because you’re sending them the same message as above — that they’re incapable of handling their own lives.
With adult children, a different kind of support is most appreciated.
They’d rather you provide a listening ear, empathize with their struggles, and offer guidance when asked for it than jumping in to fix their problems.
4) Engaging in constant comparison
A lot of parents do this unmindfully as well.
While it’s natural to observe and comment on differences, constant comparisons can create a sense of competition and breed feelings of inadequacy or resentment.
Comparisons can be with siblings, peers, or even your own expectations of where they ‘should’ be in their lives.
But what might seem like an encouraging comparison to you may be perceived as a lack of acceptance or dissatisfaction with their progress or choices.
It’s crucial to remember that every individual is unique and follows their own life path at their own pace.
Instead of comparing, celebrate their individuality, achievements, and milestones, no matter how big or small.
That’s definitely going to create an environment of acceptance and support, which is essential for a healthy parent-adult child relationship.
5) Failing to acknowledge their growth
As parents, it’s easy to have a fixed image of our children based on their childhood or teenage years. However, just as you grow and evolve, so do your children – even into adulthood.
Not recognizing and acknowledging these changes can lead to misunderstandings and the feeling of being ‘stuck’ in a role or label they have outgrown.
This can be frustrating for your adult child and can create a gap in your relationship.
So make an effort to see your adult child for who they are now, not just who they used to be.
Acknowledge their growth, their achievements, and the changes they’ve gone through. This brings understanding, respect, and appreciation into your relationship.
6) Holding on to past mistakes
Another mistake many parents do when their children become adults is to constantly bring up past errors.
It might come from a place of wanting to teach or remind, but continually mentioning past missteps can create a sense of shame and frustration.
Adult children, like anyone, need the space to move forward without being reminded of every mistake they’ve ever made.
When parents constantly rehash old errors, it can feel like they’re defining their children by these moments rather than recognizing who they’ve become.
Once a mistake has been addressed and learned from, let it remain in the past. Focus on their growth and the positive changes they’ve made since that mistake.
Guilt and shame should have no room in a healthy, loving relationship.
7) Neglecting to express love and appreciation
The final subtle behavior that you might want to say goodbye to is neglecting to express love and appreciation for your adult children.
In the hustle and bustle of life, it’s easy to forget to express our feelings explicitly. Yet, these heartfelt expressions can go a long way in nurturing your relationship.
Expressing love and appreciation isn’t limited to grand gestures or gifts. It can be as simple as a warm hug, a sincere compliment, genuine praise for their achievements, or a heartfelt ‘I love you.’
These small gestures can have a profound impact on your relationship and serve as a constant reminder of your love and support.
Remember, your adult children may not always need your advice or help, but they will always benefit from your love and support. So, make it a point to express your feelings regularly.
Final thoughts
Parenting doesn’t end when your children become adults; it simply evolves.
As much as parents want to see their children thrive, sometimes the best way to help is by stepping back and trusting them to make their own choices.
When you make room for mutual respect, open communication, and a willingness to let them grow at their own pace, you create an environment where genuine connection can flourish.
Embracing this evolution can lead to a deeper, more meaningful bond that only strengthens as the years go by.
Finally, remember that nobody is a perfect parent. We all make mistakes and have room for improvement.
What matters most is the love and effort you put into fostering a healthy, respectful, and loving relationship with your adult children.
