In every relationship, there’s what we say and then there’s what we do.
Sometimes, it’s those actions, the ones we’re hardly aware of, that stir up feelings of resentment in our partners.
Ever wonder why a seemingly petty argument spiraled out of control?
It could be due to an underlying resentment caused by some unconscious behavior of yours.
This article is about recognizing those seven behaviors that might be damaging your relationship without you even knowing it. You’re not a mind reader, after all.
But don’t worry, I’m here to help you navigate this tricky terrain.
So let’s dive in and uncover these 7 relationship landmines and figure out how to defuse them.
1) Not acknowledging your partner’s efforts
We all crave validation. It’s human nature.
When your partner makes an effort – be it cooking a nice meal, cleaning the house, or simply listening when you’ve had a rough day – they want to be acknowledged.
Neglecting to acknowledge their efforts can feel like a disregard for their time and feelings.
Over time, this can build up resentment in your relationship.
This behavior is often unintentional.
You might be preoccupied, distracted, or simply not realize the impact of your actions.
But the fact remains: appreciation matters.
By doing this, you’re not just avoiding resentment but also strengthening your bond.
Because at the end of the day, we all want to feel seen and appreciated.
As psychologist Glenn Geher says, “If you are in a relationship, think about how much it matters to feel heard, valued, and understood by your partner. Having a partner who understands and validates your feelings can be nothing short of fulfilling.”
So be that kind of partner. Make it a point to acknowledge your partner’s efforts.
A simple ‘thank you,’ a hug, or even a smile can go a long way.
2) Being too focused on being right
I’m sure you’ve been there: a disagreement escalates into a full-blown argument, all because neither of you wants to back down.
I know I’ve certainly been there more times than I care to admit.
A few years back, I got into a heated argument with my partner about whose turn it was to take out the trash.
Ridiculous, right? But in the heat of the moment, it wasn’t about the trash anymore; it was about being right.
What I didn’t realize was that by insisting on being right, I was inadvertently invalidating my partner’s feelings and perspective.
This behavior caused resentment to slowly creep into our relationship.
According to James Killian of Arcadian Counseling, the need to be right ruins relationships by:
- Making the desire to win become more important than fostering understanding and connection
- Slamming shut the doors of communication
- Undermining trust and connection
- Killing emotional intimacy
- Impeding personal growth
So here’s my advice: don’t let your ego come in the way of your relationship.
Ultimately, it’s more important to be kind than to be right.
Sometimes, you need to let go of the need to win an argument and instead focus on understanding your partner’s point of view.
Remember, it’s not you against your partner; it’s both of you against the problem.
3) Living on autopilot
Life can get busy. We juggle work, responsibilities, and personal interests, becoming so engrossed in our routines that we end up living on autopilot.
The danger?
We might neglect to be present in our relationships.
Mindfulness is the antidote to living on autopilot.
It’s about being fully present and engaged in the moment, allowing us to connect more deeply with our partners.
But how do we practice mindfulness in our relationships?
In my book, The Art of Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Living in the Moment, I delve into practical ways to integrate mindfulness into everyday life.
For example, when your partner is talking, are you truly listening? Or are you thinking about your to-do list or what you’re going to say next?
By practicing mindfulness, we can learn to be fully present during conversations with our partners.
This shows them that we value their thoughts and feelings, fostering a deeper emotional connection.
When you’re with your partner, be with them fully. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally too.
It’s a simple shift that can make a world of difference in your relationship.
4) Holding on to grudges
Let’s be honest, no relationship is perfect. We all have disagreements and even arguments.
The problem starts when we hold on to these negative experiences, allowing them to morph into grudges.
There was a time when I found myself holding on to every single misstep and disagreement in my relationship.
Instead of addressing the issues and moving on, I let them fester, building a wall of resentment between my partner and me.
Holding grudges not only breeds resentment but also prevents us from enjoying the present moment with our partners.
It’s like driving with one foot on the brake – it hinders progress.
The key is forgiveness.
It’s not about forgetting what happened or letting your partner off the hook.
It’s about choosing to let go of the past for the sake of your present happiness and peace.
If you find yourself holding on to grudges, take a step back and ask yourself if it’s worth it.
5) Always trying to fix things
It might sound counter-intuitive, but hear me out.
When your partner shares their problems with you, sometimes they’re not looking for solutions.
Sometimes, they’re just looking for empathy and understanding.
In our eagerness to help, we often jump straight into problem-solving mode.
We offer advice, suggest solutions, and try to fix things.
While this comes from a good place, it can unintentionally make your partner feel unheard or dismissed.
Instead of rushing to find a solution, try simply listening.
Offer comfort and understanding. Validate their feelings.
Let them know that you’re there for them, no matter what.
Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is not fix the problem but make your partner feel seen and supported.
6) Neglecting your own needs
In a relationship, it’s easy to get so wrapped up in taking care of your partner that you neglect your own needs.
You might think that always putting your partner first is a sign of love and dedication.
In reality, though, it can breed resentment — on your part.
When you continuously neglect your own needs, you start to feel drained and unappreciated.
Eventually, this could lead to feelings of resentment towards your partner, even though they might not be aware of what’s happening.
The thing is, self-care is your own responsibility.
It wouldn’t be fair to blame someone else for an area of your life that you’ve overlooked.
In a balanced relationship, both partners should feel encouraged to take care of themselves as much as they care for each other.
When you show up for yourself, it allows you to show up for your partner in a way that feels genuine and sustainable.
This balance prevents feelings of neglect from creeping in, making it easier to foster a healthy, mutually supportive connection.
7) Failing to communicate openly
Have you ever held back how you’re really feeling, hoping your partner would just pick up on it?
It’s easy to assume that if someone truly knows us, they should be able to sense when something’s off.
But that isn’t fair to your partner, and will only lead to more issues down the road.
Studies show that withdrawal or expecting your partner to be a mind reader leads to relationship disengagement — and that never ends well if left unaddressed.
Failing to communicate openly creates a distance in the relationship, even if you’re physically close.
When you keep things bottled up, small issues can turn into simmering frustrations that eventually breed resentment.
Your partner can’t address what they don’t know, and expecting them to “just know” often sets both of you up for disappointment.
In short, open communication is the only reliable way to ensure that both partners understand each other’s needs, concerns, and feelings.
Speaking openly about your feelings and needs might feel uncomfortable at first, but it’s crucial for building trust and preventing misunderstandings.
When you take the time to share what’s on your mind, you give your partner the opportunity to support you in the ways you need.
Final thoughts
The behaviors we’ve discussed might be unintentional, but their impact is real.
By recognizing and addressing these, we can transform our relationships into healthier, happier ones.
In the heart of it all is understanding – understanding your partner’s feelings, understanding your own behaviors, and understanding the dynamics between you two.
Want to dive deeper into this?
In my book, The Art of Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Living in the Moment, I explore how mindfulness can enhance this understanding, helping you to be more present and engaged in your relationship.
By practicing mindfulness and tuning into your own thoughts and feelings, you can catch these behaviors before they take a toll on your relationship.
