Here’s the thing about communication in a relationship: It’s not always about the words we say.
In fact, sometimes, a couple can talk endlessly but never truly communicate.
I’m Lachlan Brown, founder of Hack Spirit and a self-proclaimed mindfulness enthusiast. As someone who’s spent years studying and observing human behavior and psychology, I’ve learned that real communication goes beyond mere verbal exchanges.
This article will explore the subtle signs that indicate a couple is just talking without actually communicating.
These are the nuanced cues that psychologists pay attention to, and by the end of this piece, you will too.
So let’s delve into these 7 often-overlooked indicators and shed some light on what real communication looks like in a relationship.
1) Overuse of tech in conversations
Have you ever noticed how some couples seem to be constantly on their phones, even when they’re together? It’s not just a social faux pas; it could be an indicator that they’re talking, but not really communicating.
In this age of technology, we’ve all become quite adept at multitasking. But there’s a downside to this. While we’re busy texting, browsing, or checking emails, we’re not fully present in our interactions with others.
Psychology suggests that relying heavily on tech during couple time can lead to superficial conversations. Instead of truly connecting and understanding each other, couples might just be sharing information without really delving into feelings, thoughts, or emotions.
Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and relationship expert, once said, “Successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts.”
So if you find that your conversations mostly revolve around texts and emojis, it might be time to put the devices away and focus on each other.
2) Guessing games instead of direct questions
In my own relationships, I’ve noticed a peculiar habit that tends to pop up when communication starts to break down. Instead of asking direct questions, we start playing guessing games.
You know what I mean. Instead of asking, “How was your day?” or “What’s bothering you?”, we tiptoe around the issue with vague insinuations. We hope, in vain, that our partner will catch on and spill their thoughts and feelings.
But more often than not, this approach leads to misunderstandings and frustration. It’s like trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle without knowing what the final picture is supposed to look like.
So from personal experience, I can tell you this: If you find yourself resorting to guessing games instead of clear, straightforward questions, it’s a sign that true communication is lacking in your relationship.
3) Lack of active listening
Active listening is one of the pillars of effective communication.
It’s all about truly hearing what the other person is saying, instead of just waiting for your turn to talk. But in many relationships, I’ve noticed that this fundamental aspect often gets overlooked.
In my book, “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego“, I delve deeply into the concept of mindful communication.
Active listening, as I discuss, is an art that can be cultivated with conscious effort and practice.
The lack of active listening in a relationship shows up in various ways.
Your partner might continue scrolling on their phone while you’re talking, or they might frequently interrupt you before you’ve finished your point.
Sometimes, they might even respond with something completely unrelated to what you’ve just said. These are all signs of a conversation without real communication.
4) Avoidance of emotional topics
Psychology tells us that couples who avoid discussing emotional topics are often those who talk a lot, but communicate little.
This avoidance could be due to fear of conflict, discomfort with vulnerability, or simply not knowing how to navigate these emotional waters.
When we steer clear of sharing our feelings, fears, and dreams, we’re missing out on a crucial aspect of communication – emotional intimacy.
It’s through sharing these deeper parts of ourselves that we truly connect with our partners.
If you notice a pattern of switching topics whenever something emotionally charged comes up, or a reluctance to share feelings openly, it’s likely that your conversations lack depth and emotional substance.
Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston and renowned for her work on vulnerability, emphasizes the importance of emotional openness in relationships.
She says, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.”
So don’t shy away from those tough topics. They’re key to truly understanding and connecting with your partner.
5) Excessive politeness
Now, this might sound counter-intuitive, but bear with me. While politeness is generally a good thing, too much of it in a relationship can be a sign of poor communication.
You see, excessive politeness often stems from a fear of upsetting the other person or causing conflict. But in doing so, we often avoid expressing our true feelings and thoughts.
The reality is, every relationship has disagreements and differing opinions. And that’s perfectly okay. What matters is how we handle these situations – with honesty, respect, and open communication.
So remember, while politeness has its place in a relationship, it shouldn’t come at the expense of authentic, open communication.
6) Absence of non-verbal communication
Non-verbal communication, such as eye contact, body language, and facial expressions, plays a significant role in conveying our emotions and intentions. In fact, studies show that a majority of our communication is non-verbal.
If a couple talks a lot but lacks non-verbal cues, it can be a sign that they’re not genuinely engaging with each other.
For instance, avoiding eye contact while talking or maintaining a closed body posture can indicate emotional disconnection.
Incorporating non-verbal cues into your communication can make your conversations more meaningful and impactful.
It shows your partner that you’re fully present and invested in the conversation.
7) Frequent misunderstandings
Misunderstandings are a part of any relationship.
But when they become a regular occurrence, it can be a sign that there’s more talking than communicating happening.
Imagine having a conversation where you feel like you’re speaking different languages. You’re both using words, but the meaning seems to get lost in translation.
This often happens when we’re not actively listening or when our preconceived notions cloud our understanding.
It’s essential to clarify things when a misunderstanding arises, rather than sweeping it under the rug. It’s also crucial to make an effort towards understanding your partner’s perspective, rather than just trying to get your point across.
As the renowned psychologist and communication expert Marshall Rosenberg said, “In order to arrive at mutual understanding and connection, we focus on our deep needs rather than our initial complaints or criticisms.”
So if misunderstandings are a regular feature in your conversations, it might be time to shift focus and work towards better communication.
Final thoughts
In the end, human connections are complex and multifaceted. Just as each individual is unique, so too are our ways of communicating.
These subtle signs we’ve explored are not definitive proof of a communication breakdown, but rather indicators to be aware of. They provide a starting point for introspection and conversation in your relationship.
True communication is about more than just exchanging words. It’s about sharing emotions, revealing vulnerabilities, and striving for mutual understanding. It’s about creating a space where both partners feel heard, understood, and valued.
So if you’ve noticed that your conversations seem to be lacking depth, don’t despair. Use this as an opportunity to strive for deeper, more authentic communication.
