As a parent, we strive to create a nurturing and loving environment for our children.
We hope to foster relationships that are underpinned by respect, understanding, and mutual care.
Sadly, not all parent-child relationships reflect these ideals. Harbored resentment from childhood can persist into adulthood, creating tense dynamics that may be difficult to navigate.
In this article, we delve into the psychological signs that may indicate your adult children still harbor resentment towards you.
These signs are subtle yet significant, and recognising them is the first step towards healing and improving your relationships.
1) They keep their distance
Distance isn’t always physical. It can also be emotional and psychological, and it can be just as painful as geographical distance.
You might notice that your adult children are always too busy to spend time with you. Maybe they constantly cancel plans, or perhaps they just don’t make any plans with you at all.
They might always have an excuse ready when you try to initiate contact. You may hear phrases like “I’m swamped with work” or “I can’t make it this weekend, maybe next time”.
In some cases, they may be physically present but emotionally absent. They may not share details about their life, their feelings or thoughts. They might seem distant, detached and uninterested during conversations.
This form of withdrawal is often a clear sign of underlying resentment. It is their way of subtly expressing their discontent without directly addressing the issue.
2) They show signs of passive aggression
Passive aggression is often a subtle way of expressing resentment or displeasure. It’s a way of indirectly expressing negative feelings without confronting the issue head-on.
You may notice that your adult children often make sarcastic comments or backhanded compliments. They might frequently forget important dates or events, or consistently show up late for family gatherings.
They might also exhibit a lack of enthusiasm when discussing family matters, showing a lack of interest or even outright disregard.
These behaviors can all be signs of passive aggression, a common way that resentment manifests itself. It’s their indirect way of expressing their unhappiness and discontent with the relationship.
3) They overcompensate in their independence
It’s natural for adult children to carve out their own path and assert their independence.
However, when this independence becomes excessive or is used as a means to create distance, it might indicate underlying resentment.
You might notice that they seem to go out of their way to avoid asking for your help or advice, even when it would be beneficial for them. They might refuse your offers of support or assistance, insisting that they can manage everything on their own.
They may also reject your attempts to share in their accomplishments, preferring to celebrate their milestones without your involvement.
This overcompensation in asserting their independence can be a way of expressing resentment, a sign that they’re trying to minimize your influence and involvement in their life.
4) They avoid expressing their feelings
Feelings are the glue that binds us together, allowing us to connect on a deeper level.
When your adult children avoid expressing their feelings, it can be a sign of resentment.
You might notice that they always steer clear of emotional discussions. They might change the subject when you try to delve into their feelings or their past. They might use humor or sarcasm to deflect from serious conversations.
They may also have difficulty expressing appreciation or love. Their communication may seem dry, impersonal, and devoid of warmth and intimacy.
This avoidance is their protective armor, a way to keep you at arm’s length and prevent you from truly understanding their inner world.
It’s a sign that they’re holding onto resentment, keeping their guard up to prevent further emotional pain.
Sharing our successes with those we love is one of life’s joys. It’s a way of connecting, of sharing our happiness and achievements.
Yet, when your adult children hesitate or refrain from sharing their successes with you, it may be a sign of underlying resentment.
You might notice that they keep their accomplishments to themselves. Perhaps they don’t tell you about their promotions at work or their children’s achievements at school. Maybe they close off when you ask about their personal life or future plans.
This reluctance to share could come from a place of fear – fear of judgment, fear of not being understood, or fear of opening up old wounds. It’s a protective mechanism, a way to guard themselves from potential criticism or misunderstanding.
It’s vital to approach this situation with empathy and understanding, recognizing that their hesitance is not a reflection of their success but a sign of the emotional barriers they have erected due to their resentment.
6) They rarely initiate contact
We all lead busy lives, and sometimes it’s hard to find the time to connect. However, if you find that you’re always the one reaching out, always the one initiating contact, it could be a sign of resentment.
Perhaps your phone calls often go unanswered, or your text messages receive delayed responses. Maybe you’re always the one planning family gatherings or suggesting catch-ups.
While it’s normal for contact to ebb and flow in any relationship, a consistent pattern of one-sided communication can be symptomatic of deeper issues. It could indicate that they’re pulling away emotionally, using silence as a way to express their resentment.
This is a situation many of us can relate to and understanding its root cause is the first step toward resolving it.
7) They’re overly polite
Politeness is generally seen as a positive trait. However, when it’s taken to an extreme, it can be a sign of discomfort or resentment.
You might notice that your adult children are excessively formal with you. They might insist on addressing you by your first name instead of “mom” or “dad”, or they may avoid any forms of affectionate nicknames or terms of endearment.
They could also be overly courteous, maintaining a level of formality that feels more appropriate for distant acquaintances than for close family members. They may insist on paying for meals, refusing your offers to help or support them.
While this politeness might seem charming at first, it can also serve as a shield, keeping you at a safe distance while avoiding any emotional intimacy. In a lighter note, it’s not every day you hear parents wishing their children were a bit less polite!
8) They disregard your advice
As parents, we often feel that our experiences and wisdom can guide our children, no matter how old they are. But when your adult children consistently dismiss or disregard your advice, it might be a sign of resentment.
You might offer suggestions or share insights, only to have them brushed aside. They may openly challenge your views or make decisions that directly contradict your advice.
While it’s important for them to forge their own path, a persistent disregard for your input could suggest an underlying resentment. It’s their way of asserting their independence, possibly in response to past conflicts or perceived control.
Though it’s hard to accept, sometimes the best way to support them is to step back and let them learn from their own mistakes. It’s not about being right; it’s about allowing them to grow.
9) They keep you out of their life decisions
One of the most telling signs of resentment in adult children is when they intentionally keep you out of their major life decisions.
You might find out about their new job or their decision to move cities only after the fact. They may make significant choices about their relationships, career, or family without seeking your input or advice.
While it’s healthy and necessary for them to make their own choices, consistently being left in the dark could be a sign that they’re trying to create a boundary, a way to separate their life from your influence.
Remember, as painful as it might be, this behavior is often a reflection of their unresolved feelings rather than a commentary on your relationship as it currently stands. Recognizing these signs is the first step towards understanding and addressing their resentment.
Final thoughts
Experiencing resentment from your adult children can be a challenging and emotionally draining experience. Understanding and acknowledging these signs of resentment is the first step towards healing.
Renowned psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “When a person realizes he has been deeply heard, his eyes moisten. I think in some real sense he is weeping for joy. It is as though he were saying, ‘Thank God, somebody heard me. Someone knows what it’s like to be me.’”
This quote captures the essence of what’s needed in this situation – empathy, understanding, and most importantly, communication. You can’t change the past, but you can work towards a better future by opening up channels of communication.
Remember, this article isn’t meant to judge or label your children. It’s meant to help you identify potential signs of resentment and guide you towards repairing your relationship.
Having one or even all of these signs doesn’t necessarily mean your child harbors deep resentment. But it does warrant a conversation – an honest, open dialogue where both parties feel heard and validated.
In conclusion, remember that it’s never too late to mend relationships. It may take time, patience, and a lot of courage, but the first step towards resolution is recognizing there’s something that needs to be resolved.
Reflect on these signs, and consider if your relationship could benefit from a heartfelt conversation.
