Sometimes, it’s tough to spot when someone’s messing with your mind. You might suspect something’s off, but you can’t quite place your finger on it.
It’s that feeling you get when the person you’re dealing with just doesn’t seem genuine—like they’re deliberately twisting things to keep you on edge.
I’ve been there, thinking I could easily spot any manipulator. After all, I studied psychology in college, and I’ve spent years writing about personal development and mindfulness.
But real-world experiences have taught me that mind games are more subtle and complex than I ever imagined. If you find yourself second-guessing everything you do or say around someone, chances are they’re engaging in tactics that can seriously erode your sense of self.
Below are nine major behaviors I’ve noticed in people who play these manipulative games. Spotting these behaviors is the first step in pulling yourself out of their twisted web.
1) They rewrite your reality (gaslighting)
Gaslighting is probably the first mind-manipulation tactic that comes to most people’s minds. It’s when someone tries to convince you that what you’ve experienced or felt isn’t real.
It’s sneaky because they’ll start with tiny distortions of the truth. Before long, you’re left questioning whether you can even trust your own thoughts.
I remember dealing with a former colleague who constantly downplayed my contributions. If I mentioned a project I’d handled, they’d say it wasn’t that big of a deal or that it was “all in my head.”
Over time, I started to doubt whether I was genuinely competent. That’s exactly how gaslighting works: one small lie at a time until you’re not sure which way is up.
This manipulative tactic isn’t just about someone being dishonest; it’s about them actively re-scripting your reality so they stay in control.
The key to fighting gaslighting is trusting your gut and not being afraid to verify facts with others when necessary. Talking to a trusted friend or mentor can help clear the fog they try to create.
Ever noticed a person who never attacks you openly but delivers jabs disguised as compliments?
It’s like they give you a “nice” comment but wrap it in subtle criticism that leaves you confused and a bit hurt. That’s classic passive-aggression.
It might sound like, “Wow, that’s a really brave outfit choice. Not many people would wear something like that.” On the surface, it seems harmless or even nice, but you walk away feeling uncomfortable, wondering if they just insulted your style.
Passive-aggressive behavior can show up in more ways than backhanded compliments.
Ignoring your texts as a way to “punish” you or acting indifferent when you need help are all parts of this game. These folks want the upper hand without taking direct responsibility for any hostility.
3) They guilt-trip you into compliance
Ever had someone say, “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?”
That’s a guilt trip in a nutshell. It’s a classic tactic manipulators use when they want you to do something but don’t want to ask you directly or respectfully. Instead, they make you feel bad so you’ll comply.
Nobody is immune to guilt. It’s a powerful emotion that can make us question our integrity.
The crew at Choosing Therapy has highlighted that guilt-tripping is one of the more emotionally draining manipulation tactics, often leading victims to feel trapped between a rock and a hard place.
The best defense here is to recognize your own boundaries. Just because you care about someone doesn’t mean you have to cater to all their whims.
Pay attention to how often you’re saying “yes” out of actual willingness versus fear of disappointing them.
4) They selectively withhold communication
Selective silence can drive you up the wall, right?
Picture this: you’re in the middle of an argument, and they suddenly clam up or disappear, leaving you totally confused. Then they pop back in hours—or even days—later, acting like nothing happened.
This behavior often ties into control. By refusing to communicate, they’re forcing you to agonize over what might be wrong. You might start apologizing or bending over backward just to get them talking again.
I’ve talked about this before, but withholding communication can be particularly damaging because it keeps you in a state of anxiety.
You can’t resolve issues if they won’t talk about them, and you can’t move on because you’re stuck waiting for their next move.
5) They pull in third parties (triangulation)
Triangulation is when someone brings a third person into the dynamic to serve their agenda.
It might look like them constantly comparing you to someone else—an ex-partner, a coworker, or even a friend—to keep you feeling inadequate or jealous.
Maybe they’ll say, “My friend thinks you’re overreacting,” or “My ex never made a big deal about stuff like this.”
Their goal is to undermine your confidence by showing that someone else is apparently more reasonable, more understanding, or just better at something than you. Over time, you end up chasing their approval, desperate not to be seen as “less than.”
In relationships, triangulation can tear people apart. It creates an environment of competition, and instead of talking issues out directly, the manipulator uses outsiders—real or imaginary—to stir the pot.
Recognizing this tactic for what it is can help you take a step back and question the validity of these so-called “comparisons.”
6) They shift blame to dodge accountability
It’s like that old game of “hot potato.” The moment a problem appears in a manipulator’s hands, they fling it right back to you or someone else.
Ask them about a mistake they made, and suddenly the conversation flips to how you’re the one “blowing things out of proportion.” Bring up a broken promise, and they’ll say, “Well, you weren’t clear about what you wanted.”
This blame-shifting leads you to question your own role in problems that might not even be yours. You end up walking on eggshells to avoid triggering their next round of deflection.
There’s an insightful notion from Carl Jung that goes, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
In the context of blame-shifting, it’s a reminder that manipulators often have unacknowledged fears or insecurities. But instead of facing them, they project these issues onto you.
7) They use intimidation and fear
Not all mind games are subtle.
Some people will go for intimidation straight away. They might yell, threaten, or make you feel like there’s always a negative consequence lurking around the corner if you don’t comply.
It’s not always physical intimidation—it can be emotional or psychological, like threatening to leave you, sabotage your work, or reveal personal information.
Fear is paralyzing. That’s exactly what they want. When you’re scared, you’re easier to control because you’re more focused on avoiding conflict than standing up for yourself.
The pros over at Verywell Mind back this up, saying that manipulative individuals often exploit fear to maintain power in a relationship.
Your move here is to recognize that fear is what’s fueling their strategy. Practice calming your mind—through mindfulness, meditation, or grounding techniques—so you don’t let that fear dictate your actions.
8) They overwhelm you with love and affection (love bombing)
On the opposite end of the intimidation scale is love bombing—where they shower you with compliments, gifts, and attention in record time.
It feels amazing at first, almost too good to be true. And that’s because it usually is.
Love bombing is a way to create a sense of dependency. You get hooked on the flood of affection, so when they suddenly pull back or demand something, you’re more likely to comply out of fear of losing that “high.”
I’ve seen this firsthand when a friend of mine started dating someone who was all-in from day one. They talked about moving in together within a few weeks, and she was over the moon. But the moment she hesitated about something small—bam!
The gifts and sweet words disappeared, leaving her desperate to get things back to how they were. Recognizing the pattern can help you see that real connection grows gradually, with consistent behavior over time, not a flurry of intense affection all at once.
9) They keep you on an emotional rollercoaster
To finish, one of the most draining manipulative behaviors is the constant hot-and-cold dynamic.
One day they treat you like you’re the center of their universe; the next, they’re distant or even downright cruel. This emotional whiplash keeps you constantly off-balance, always seeking to get back to the “good” side of the relationship.
This rollercoaster is exhausting. You might feel like if you just do everything right, you can maintain the good phase.
But it’s a rigged game. The ups and downs are part of their control strategy—because when you’re drained and desperate for their next “high,” you’re less likely to stand up for yourself.
If you notice this pattern, take a moment to step back and evaluate the situation logically. Ask yourself: Do they consistently care about my well-being, or do they only show it when it benefits them?
That distinction can help you decide whether this is a relationship worth fighting for or one you’re better off leaving behind.
Final words
Mind games are a slow burn, eroding your self-esteem one interaction at a time. Sometimes, it’s not obvious because manipulators can wear a friendly face or use tactics that seem harmless in isolation.
But when you start piecing the puzzle together, the bigger picture is unsettling: someone’s trying to control you by distorting your reality, stoking your fears, or showering you with love only to yank it away.
Personally, I’ve found that awareness is the best antidote to manipulation. The moment you spot these nine behaviors, you can begin to break free.
You might need professional help, or maybe it’s a matter of setting firm boundaries. In my own journey, mindfulness practices—and the teachings I’ve written about in my book, Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego—have played a key role in teaching me how to recognize and disengage from toxic behaviors.
If any of these signs ring a bell, remember you deserve honesty, empathy, and respect in your interactions.
Trust your instincts and know that stepping away from these manipulative dynamics is not just an option—it’s often the healthiest thing you can do. Your peace of mind is far too valuable to be up for grabs in somebody else’s twisted game.
