Are you feeling that something’s off in your marriage, but you can’t quite put your finger on it?
Sometimes, the signs of an unhappy marriage can be surprisingly subtle, and they tend to sneak up on us when we’re busy with life, routines, and responsibilities.
Often, people don’t even realize they’re in an unhappy marriage until the emotional strain starts taking a toll.
As a relationship expert, I’m here to help you get clear on what you might be feeling.
Today, we’re looking at some telltale signs that might suggest your marriage isn’t as fulfilling as it could be.
Recognizing these signs can be the first step toward making positive changes for yourself and your relationship.
Let’s dive in.
1) You’re living separate lives
It’s a subtle thing, but it’s one of the earliest signs that a marriage might be on the rocks.
When we first get married, everything is a shared experience.
We share meals, passions, experiences, and even our downtime. It’s this shared life that often makes marriage feel so special.
But sometimes, without even realizing it, we start drifting apart.
While it’s essential to maintain your individuality in a marriage, when most of your time is spent apart, it might be a sign that something is amiss.
Sometimes it’s as simple as no longer sharing meals together or going to bed at different times.
Other times it’s more significant – like pursuing completely separate social lives.
The solution?
Start small to reintroduce connection.
Try setting aside dedicated time each day or week to spend together, whether that’s sharing meals, watching a favorite show, or just catching up on each other’s day.
Rebuilding little routines can help bridge the gap and bring back the sense of partnership.
2) You’re never arguing
Yes, you read that right. Never arguing might actually be a sign of an unhappy marriage.
It’s a common perception that happy couples never argue and that disagreements are a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
But, in reality, it’s often the opposite.
Disagreements are a natural part of any relationship.
They provide opportunities to communicate, understand each other better, and find common ground.
This is widely acknowledged by experts.
For instance, the folks at Very Well Mind have noted, “When you learn how to argue effectively and respectfully, it can be a way for you to learn more about each other, maintain your boundaries, and resolve issues that might affect the long-term health of your relationship.”
When we stop voicing our opinions or expressing our feelings because we fear conflict or have given up on being heard, however, it can lead to resentment and emotional disconnection.
3) You’re feeling more like roommates than lovers
Remember those days when you couldn’t keep your hands off each other?
When every conversation was filled with flirtation and every glance promised passion?
Does it seem like those days are a distant memory, replaced by a routine that lacks any hint of romance or intimacy?
In my journey as a relationship expert, I’ve seen this transformation happen in countless marriages.
It’s also something I’ve touched upon in my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship.
When you start seeing your spouse as just another person living under the same roof rather than your romantic partner, it’s a sign that something might be off in your marriage.
It’s crucial to recognize this and take steps to reignite that spark before it’s too late.
4) Criticism is constant
Does it feel like every interaction with your spouse turns into an opportunity to point out flaws or shortcomings?
Maybe it’s about the way they load the dishwasher, forget to take out the trash, or even how they talk about their day.
I know this is not what you want to hear but if this is the go-to way of communicating, it’s a serious red flag for the health of your marriage.
Research by relationship expert John Gottman shows that when criticism becomes a fixture in a relationship, it’s one of the strongest predictors of divorce.
Gottman’s research emphasizes a “Magic Ratio”—for every negative interaction, there should ideally be five positive ones to maintain a healthy, loving connection.
Consider working to replace criticism with constructive feedback or gentle requests.
When you catch yourself about to criticize, try expressing what you appreciate about your spouse instead.
This shift can help rebuild positivity and remind you both of the qualities you love in each other.
5) You’re happier away from your spouse
This is a tough one to admit, but it’s crucial to be honest with yourself.
If you find that your happiest moments, your times of relief and relaxation, come when you’re away from your spouse, it’s a significant red flag.
Marriage isn’t about being happy every second of every day – we all know that’s unrealistic.
But your spouse should be a source of comfort, joy, and companionship.
They should be the one you want to share your highs and lows with, not the one you’re trying to escape from.
If you’re sighing in relief every time your spouse leaves the house or if you’re constantly seeking reasons to stay late at work or spend time away, it’s a clear sign of an unhappy marriage.
It’s painful to acknowledge, but ignoring this sign won’t make it disappear.
It’s essential to address these feelings and work towards a solution – whether that means seeking help, having open conversations, or making difficult decisions about the future of your marriage.
Final thoughts
Understanding the dynamics of a relationship, especially a marriage, can be a complex task.
We spend so much of our lives intertwined with this other person that we sometimes lose sight of what’s healthy, what’s normal, and what’s truly making us happy.
Reflecting on these signs, you might recognize some of them in your own marriage.
But remember, recognizing these signs doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed.
It just means there’s work to be done.
And the first step towards improving anything is acknowledging that there’s a problem.
