Parenting is quite the balancing act, isn’t it?
You want to be the cool parent, the one your kids can trust and confide in, but at the same time, you need to lay down the rules because you’re still their parent.
It’s like walking on a tightrope.
You’ve tried being strict, you’ve tried being lenient, but nothing seems to be working in your favor.
There’s no drama involved, no tantrums thrown, but you feel a disconnect growing between you and your kids as they age.
Deep down, you’ve got a nagging feeling that certain behaviors of yours might be pushing them away instead of bringing them closer.
Here’s how to identify those behaviors and let them go for good.
This is your guide to ensuring that as your children grow older, they view you more as a friend and less as an intimidating figure. And it’s easier than you think; all it takes is saying goodbye to these 8 behaviors.
1) Overstepping boundaries
Respect, as they say, is a two-way street.
We all have our own personal space that we cherish, and our kids are no exception.
You might be thinking that as a parent, you have an all-access pass to your child’s life. But, as they grow older, their need for privacy grows with them.
If you’re always invading their space, reading their diaries or text messages without their consent, you’re overstepping their boundaries.
It’s not about having something to hide; it’s about respect. And if you’re breaching that, you’re not fostering friendship but sowing seeds of resentment.
Let’s face it; no one likes their personal space violated, not even by parents.
So, if you’re guilty of this behavior, it’s time to wave it goodbye if you want your children to consider you a friend as they get older.
2) Brushing off their feelings
I’ll admit, I’ve been guilty of this.
There was a time when my teenage son was upset about a falling out with his best friend. To me, it seemed like such a trivial matter. After all, I’ve been through countless friendships and knew that these things happen.
I brushed off his feelings saying, “You’ll make new friends.”
What I didn’t realize then was, to him, it was a big deal. His feelings were hurt and he needed someone to talk to, not someone to trivialize his feelings.
When we brush off our children’s feelings, we’re telling them their thoughts and emotions aren’t valid or important. This can lead to them feeling misunderstood or unsupported.
In retrospect, I should have just listened and empathized with him instead of trying to fix the situation. Needless to say, dismissing our children’s feelings is not the way to foster a friendly relationship with them.
It’s important that we validate their feelings, no matter how trivial they seem to us.
3) Not practicing active listening
Epictetus, a Greek philosopher, once said, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”
This quote has stuck with me and has been a guiding principle in my parenting journey.
How many times have we found ourselves interrupting our children mid-sentence to offer advice or solutions?
Or worse, pretending to listen while we’re actually scrolling through our phones or thinking about our to-do list?
I’ve been there too. And the sad truth is, it sends a message to our children that we’re not genuinely interested in what they have to say.
Active listening involves making a conscious effort to not just hear the words our children are saying, but to understand the complete message they’re trying to convey.
It includes making eye contact, nodding in agreement, and providing feedback when necessary. If we want our children to consider us friends, we need to show them that we value their thoughts by listening intently when they speak.
Active listening not only shows respect but also builds trust and understanding – key elements in any friendship.
4) Making assumptions instead of asking
Did you know that 85% of what we worry about never happens? This was the result of a study published in the journal Behaviour Research and Therapy.
As parents, it’s easy to fall into the trap of making assumptions about our children’s lives. We assume we know what they’re thinking, how they’re feeling, or what they’re going through, and often, we’re wrong.
For instance, your daughter comes home from school looking upset. You immediately assume she had a fight with her best friend. You start giving advice on how to patch things up, only to find out later that she was upset because she didn’t do well in a test.
By making assumptions, we’re not allowing our children to express themselves and share their experiences. It also leads to misunderstandings and miscommunications.
Instead of assuming, ask. Ask them about their day, their feelings, their thoughts. Ask and then listen. This will show them that their opinions matter and that you care enough to understand them.
Saying goodbye to making assumptions is one way to strengthen your bond with your kids and make them see you more as a friend than just a parent.
5) Being overly critical
In our quest to raise perfect children, we sometimes tend to be overly critical of them.
We pick at their flaws, criticize their choices, and focus on their mistakes. Sure, it’s important to correct them when they go wrong, but if we’re constantly nitpicking, it can be damaging.
Being on the receiving end of constant criticism can lower their self-esteem and make them feel unloved or inadequate.
Instead of fostering a friendly relationship, it can create a sense of fear or resentment. Your kids might start avoiding you or withhold sharing things with you to avoid criticism.
What we need to do is strike a balance. Praise them for their efforts and achievements, and when they make mistakes, guide them gently towards the right path without demeaning them.
6) Not admitting when you’re wrong
Nobody’s perfect – not even us parents.
We make mistakes, we mess up, and that’s okay.
What’s not okay is not owning up to our mistakes.
I’ve seen parents refusing to admit they were wrong, even when it was obvious. They believe admitting their mistakes would make them look weak or undermine their authority.
But here’s the thing – admitting you’re wrong doesn’t make you weak; it makes you human.
When we apologize to our children and admit our mistakes, we’re teaching them a valuable lesson about humility and accountability.
Moreover, it shows them that we respect them enough to admit when we’re wrong.
This can significantly strengthen the bond between you and your child and foster a sense of friendship.
7) Being too controlling
As parents, it’s natural for us to want to protect our children.
We want to shield them from harm, from heartbreaks, from the harsh realities of life.
In doing so, we sometimes become overbearing and controlling.
We dictate their choices, their friends, their hobbies, even their dreams. We forget that our children are individuals with their own thoughts, feelings, and aspirations.
Being too controlling can suffocate them and lead to resentment.
It’s important to understand that while we guide our children and set boundaries for their safety, we should also give them the freedom to make their own decisions and learn from their mistakes.
This empowers them and makes them more confident. Plus, it shows them that we trust them and respect their autonomy.
If you’re being too controlling, it might be time to take a step back and give your child some space.
This not only helps in fostering a friendly relationship with your kids but also helps them grow into confident and responsible individuals.
8) Not spending quality time with them
At the end of the day, nothing replaces the value of quality time spent together.
We live in a fast-paced world where we’re constantly juggling between work, home, and other responsibilities. Amid all this, we sometimes forget to take out time for our children.
We may be physically present but mentally absent. We eat dinner together but our minds are occupied with tomorrow’s presentation or that pending laundry.
Quality time isn’t just about being in the same room. It’s about being present in the moment, engaging with them, and showing genuine interest in their lives.
It’s during these moments that you bond with your kids, create memories, and build a strong relationship that goes beyond just being a parent.
It’s about laughing at silly jokes, having heart-to-heart conversations, playing board games, or simply cuddling on the couch watching their favorite show.
These moments of togetherness foster a sense of friendship and deepen your connection with your children.
So if you’ve been caught up in the whirlwind of life and have been missing out on spending quality time with your kids, it’s time to change that. After all, they won’t be kids forever.
Ending thoughts
If you see yourself in these behaviors, don’t be disheartened.
Parenting, as they say, doesn’t come with a manual. We learn, we evolve, and we grow with our children.
The good news is that it’s never too late to change and improve. It starts with acknowledging these behaviors and then consciously making an effort to let them go.
With time and consistent effort, you can change these patterns. Each small step towards changing these behaviors brings you closer to fostering a friendly relationship with your children.
