When I reflect on my own upbringing, I realize that all parents have their unique quirks.
Some are overprotective, some are laid-back, and some are incredibly supportive.
But for many of us, the real challenge appears when parents are intensely critical—every move scrutinized, every step questioned, every success overshadowed by a “You could’ve done better.”
Overly critical parents don’t just influence our childhood; they can shape the adults we become. It’s like wearing tinted glasses that color how we see ourselves and how we behave around others.
If you’re nodding along already, I’ve put together a list of eight common things that might be showing up in your life if you grew up with parents who were never quite satisfied.
I’m not saying you can’t break these patterns—plenty of people do. But first, it helps to recognize what you’re dealing with.
1. You say “sorry” for everything
Ever find yourself apologizing for stuff that’s totally out of your control?
Or maybe you overuse the words “I’m sorry” so much that you barely even notice it anymore.
That can come from growing up in a household where it felt like you were always in the wrong.
When the people you depended on for love and guidance spent more time pointing out your failings than your wins, you might have learned to preempt any blame by apologizing.
Even if nobody’s accusing you of anything, you still feel this need to get ahead of the criticism.
This creates a cycle: you say sorry, you become hyper-aware of possible judgment, and you keep apologizing to stay on people’s good side.
In reality, all you’re doing is reinforcing the idea that you’re constantly messing up, which is rarely true.
2. You second-guess all your decisions
Have you ever been so indecisive that a simple choice between pizza toppings or movie genres feels like a life-or-death scenario?
It’s no secret that being raised by overly critical parents can make you question your own judgment.
When your self-esteem takes hit after hit, you start to doubt your instincts. You might think, “Am I making the right call here?” or “What if this is a terrible choice?”
This kind of mental ping-pong gets exhausting. And the bigger the decision, the more paralyzed you become.
The folks at Psychology Today stand behind this, noting that children with critical parents often grow up with a harsh internal critic, making it tough to accept mistakes.
If you spent your childhood worried about that next wave of disapproval, it’s natural to turn every decision into an agonizing process. Awareness is the first step to breaking the habit—recognize where that doubt comes from and challenge it.
3. You’re overly critical of yourself (and sometimes, of others)
When you’ve been told you’re not measuring up, you may start believing you’re inherently flawed.
As a result, the voice in your head becomes an echo of the criticism you grew up with.
But here’s the kicker: sometimes that critical lens you apply to yourself spills over onto other people too.
You might find yourself judging coworkers, friends, or even strangers with the same harsh tone your parents used on you. It’s almost like you’re projecting what you feel about yourself onto them.
A quote from Carl Rogers comes to mind: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Even though it might seem counterintuitive, showing yourself kindness can help you let go of that internal (and external) criticism.
On the flip side, maybe you’re not the type to dole out harsh words—you’re the one who flinches at them.
When you’ve grown up constantly bracing for negative feedback, your body and mind can become hyper-alert to the slightest hint of judgment.
It’s like having a built-in radar for disapproval. Even helpful advice can feel like a personal attack, and you might respond with anger or a defensive posture.
And that’s completely understandable if you spent your formative years being put down. Your nervous system hasn’t exactly gotten the memo that you’re safe now.
Learning to tell the difference between constructive feedback and destructive criticism can be tricky, but it’s a skill that can save you a lot of stress.
One technique that helps is pausing before reacting—take a deep breath, see if the comment was actually insulting, or if it was intended to help you.
This short moment of reflection can prevent you from interpreting everything as an attack.
5. You have a loud inner critic
This one’s closely tied to being overly self-critical, but it’s worth calling out separately.
It’s that constant voice in your head that questions your worth. It might say things like, “Why are you even trying?” or “That idea is stupid, no one will like it.”
The crew at Verywell Mind has highlighted that constant criticism from parents can hamper a child’s sense of self-worth and create patterns of self-doubt that persist into adulthood.
In other words, that negative voice didn’t come out of thin air. It was planted there by years of hearing what you did wrong instead of what you did right.
Breaking free from that voice can feel like a never-ending battle.
Some people find mindfulness practices helpful—meditation or simple breathing exercises—to give themselves a moment to notice these thoughts without being consumed by them.
When you see that the voice isn’t “you” but just a script you learned in childhood, you can start rewriting it.
6. You struggle to set boundaries
If you’re used to tiptoeing around other people’s judgments, you might find it really tough to say “no.”
Boundaries might seem like a luxury you can’t afford, especially if you’re worried about letting people down or making them angry.
Think about it: setting a boundary means standing firm about what you will and won’t allow.
But if all your life you were trained to believe you’re “less than,” it’s no wonder you’d hesitate to stand your ground. There’s this underlying fear: if you don’t comply, maybe they’ll criticize you just like your parents did.
I’ve talked about this in a previous post, but I’ll reiterate how crucial boundaries are.
Boundaries aren’t just walls to keep people out—they’re also a way to honor yourself and your needs. Once you start setting them, you’ll see it’s not the end of the world if someone disagrees with you.
In fact, it can be liberating to realize that protecting your mental space might actually make people respect you more.
7. You constantly seek external validation
Another big one is the need for that gold star from someone else.
You want to hear “Great job” or see that approving nod before you can relax. If this sounds like you, it might be because you never received consistent praise growing up.
When parents criticize more than they encourage, kids learn to crave external validation like a lifeline.
That craving can show up in adult life in everything from your personal relationships to your career. You might find yourself refreshing social media to see how many likes you got or waiting for that text from a friend to feel validated.
The trouble is, you’ll never get enough pats on the back to fill the void left by childhood criticism if you don’t work on your inner self.
Mindfulness, therapy, journaling—these are all ways to start self-validating. It’s like you’re re-parenting yourself, giving that positive reinforcement you didn’t get enough of.
Over time, you begin to trust your own perspective rather than relying on someone else’s opinion to affirm your value.
8. You fear failure like the plague
Last but definitely not least, let’s talk about the fear of failure.
This is often a direct byproduct of a critical upbringing.
Failure wasn’t just a way to learn—it was a reason to get scolded or belittled. So it’s natural that you’d do anything to avoid it, including not trying in the first place.
I used to think this was just perfectionism—if I make zero mistakes, then no one can criticize me.
But perfectionism can be paralyzing because it sets an impossible standard. And ironically, avoiding failure this obsessively can lead to missed opportunities, half-efforts, and never really knowing what you’re capable of.
In my book, Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I discuss how Buddhism promotes embracing the present moment without attaching to fear or anxiety about the future.
When you see failure as just another experience—neither a doom sentence nor a sign of your worth—you can take risks that actually lead to growth. It’s a powerful shift in perspective that can help you move beyond that gnawing fear of criticism.
Final words
If you recognized yourself in several of these points, don’t worry—you’re not alone, and you’re definitely not beyond help.
Nobody gets to choose their parents or how they were raised, but we do have a say in how we respond to it in adulthood.
These patterns didn’t form overnight, so they won’t vanish overnight either. A mix of self-awareness, mindful strategies, boundary-setting, and maybe a little professional help can go a long way.
Start small. Challenge that inner critic. Notice when you default to apologizing or seeking validation.
And most importantly, show yourself the kindness and compassion you might not have received when you were young.
Change is possible, and it’s well worth it.
When you shift the relationship you have with yourself, it echoes into your career, your relationships, and your overall sense of happiness.
Instead of walking on eggshells, bracing for that critical blow, you can finally stand tall—knowing that you, like everyone else, are allowed to be a work in progress.
Embrace that progress. It’s a journey, and you’re on the right track simply by being aware of where you came from and where you want to go.
Here’s to building the life you’ve always deserved, free from the echoes of the past.
