The relationship between parents and their adult children can be complex. It’s a delicate dance of nurturing that bond while respecting the independence of grown offspring.
Sometimes, without realizing it, parents can behave in ways that push their adult children away.
This isn’t about blaming or shaming; it’s about understanding the behaviors that may be hindering closeness.
In this article, we’ll explore 8 typical behaviors displayed by parents who may not have a close bond with their adult children – often without even knowing it.
1) Lack of active listening
Maintaining a strong bond with adult children involves more than just hearing their words – it’s about truly understanding their thoughts and feelings. This is called active listening.
Active listening means fully engaging in the conversation, giving responses that show you’re taking in what they’re saying, and refraining from interrupting or jumping in with advice or solutions too quickly.
Passive listening, on the other hand, can be perceived as uninvolved or disinterested. It’s one of the unnoticed behaviors that can create distance between parents and their adult children.
Parents may not realize they’re doing this. They may think they’re being supportive by letting their child talk without interruption. But if the child doesn’t feel truly heard or understood, it can drive a wedge between them.
So, if you’re a parent of an adult child, take a moment to reflect on your listening habits. Are you actively engaging in the conversation? Are you showing genuine interest in their thoughts and feelings? Or are you just passively hearing their words without truly understanding them?
2) Being overly critical
As a parent, it’s easy to fall into the trap of being overly critical – I know, I’ve been there. We often believe we’re giving our adult children the tools they need to succeed or improve. But there’s a thin line between helpful advice and unwelcome criticism.
I remember when my daughter first moved out on her own. She called me one day, excited about a dish she’d cooked. Instead of sharing in her excitement, my first response was to nitpick on how she could have made it better. I didn’t realize it then, but my constant critiques were creating a barrier between us.
Being overly critical can make your adult child feel like they’re constantly under scrutiny, like they can’t do anything right. It’s one of those behaviors that we may not even realize we’re doing, but it can significantly strain the parent-child relationship.
So, if you find yourself always trying to “fix” things or pointing out what could be better, take a step back. Try to focus on the positives and celebrate their achievements – no matter how small. You might be surprised at how this small change can greatly improve your relationship with your adult child.
3) Dismissing their feelings
Our emotional responses are deeply intertwined with our psychological well-being. Studies in the field of psychology have shown that dismissing or invalidating someone’s feelings can lead to feelings of rejection, isolation, and low self-esteem.
When parents dismiss their adult children’s emotions – whether intentionally or not – it can create a disconnect. This might be as subtle as saying “you’re overreacting” or “don’t worry, it’s not a big deal”. These phrases might seem harmless, but they can subtly imply that their feelings aren’t valid or important.
Respecting and acknowledging your adult child’s emotions is crucial to fostering a strong bond. Instead of dismissing their feelings, try to empathize with them. Validate their emotions and show them that you understand and respect what they’re going through. This behavior, although small, can open lines of communication and build trust in your relationship.
4) Overstepping boundaries
As parents, we often feel an inherent right to know everything about our children’s lives. But when children grow into adults, there’s a shift. They develop their own lives, separate from ours, and it’s essential to respect this.
Overstepping boundaries can range from asking invasive questions to making decisions on their behalf without their consent. This behavior can damage the bond between parents and their adult children, as it can feel like a lack of respect for their independence and personal space.
It’s essential to remember that your adult child has their own life, experiences, and challenges. Respecting their boundaries shows that you acknowledge and respect their autonomy. It builds trust, encourages open communication, and ultimately strengthens your bond.
5) Failing to apologize
We’re all human. We make mistakes, and sometimes, we hurt the ones we love most – often without meaning to. However, where we truly show our character is in how we handle these missteps.
As parents, it can be challenging to apologize to our children. We may feel it undermines our authority or that, as adults, they should just understand we didn’t mean it. But failing to apologize can leave lingering feelings of resentment or misunderstanding.
The truth is, saying sorry doesn’t diminish your role as a parent. It demonstrates humility and respect for your adult child’s feelings. It shows them that their feelings matter to you – that you care enough to admit when you’re wrong.
An apology can mend fences and reopen lines of communication that seemed hopelessly blocked. It’s never too late to say “I’m sorry.” And these simple words can make a world of difference in your relationship with your adult child.
6) Expecting them to be mini versions of you
Every parent has dreams and expectations for their children. But there comes a point where we must accept that our adult children are their own people, with their own paths in life.
I recall feeling disappointed when my son chose a career path that was far from what I had envisioned for him. For a while, it created tension between us. I realized I was expecting him to be a mini version of me, following in my footsteps.
This is a common, yet often unrecognized behavior among parents. We sometimes expect our adult children to share our values, interests, and life choices. But this can lead to feelings of resentment and pressure on their part.
Accepting and appreciating your adult children for who they are – not who you expected them to be – is crucial for maintaining a close bond. Celebrate their individuality and support them in carving their own path. After all, your role as a parent is not to create a clone of yourself, but to guide and support them in becoming the best version of themselves.
7) Avoiding difficult conversations
Life is filled with challenging conversations, and avoiding these discussions can lead to miscommunication and misunderstandings. Parents sometimes steer clear of touchy topics with their adult children, thinking it’s for the best. But this can lead to an emotional distance.
Difficult conversations about life choices, relationships, or personal issues are necessary. They provide opportunities for understanding and growth. Avoiding these discussions can signal to your adult children that you’re not there to support them during tough times.
It’s important to create a safe space for open dialogue with your adult children. Yes, these conversations may be uncomfortable, but they can also strengthen your bond by fostering understanding, empathy, and mutual respect.
8) Not expressing love and appreciation often
Words of affection and gratitude can go a long way in maintaining a close bond with your adult children. It’s easy to assume they know how much you love and appreciate them, but expressing it verbally can make a significant difference.
It’s not just about saying “I love you” – although that’s important too. It’s about acknowledging their efforts, appreciating their attributes, and expressing gratitude for their presence in your life.
Regularly expressing love and appreciation can instill a sense of security and worth in your adult children. It reassures them of your support and can strengthen the bond between you. Don’t just assume they know – say it out loud.
