Friendships are a bit like houseplants. Neglect them, and they wilt. Overwater them, and they drown.
As the founder of Hack Spirit and a mindfulness enthusiast, I’ve learned that striking the balance in friendships isn’t always easy.
According to psychology, there are certain behaviors that people who struggle with maintaining friendships tend to display. These are the behaviors that can turn a flourishing friendship into a wilted one.
So, let’s explore these friendship faux pas together.
1) Lack of empathy
One of the major roadblocks to maintaining friendships is a lack of empathy.
Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and understand their feelings. It’s a critical component of any healthy relationship, not just friendships.
Unfortunately, people who struggle with friendships often lack this important trait.
They might be self-absorbed, dismissive of others’ feelings, or simply unaware of the impact of their actions on others.
In a friendship, this lack of empathy can wreak havoc. It can lead to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and ultimately, alienation.
When you don’t take the time to understand your friend’s perspective, it’s easy to trample over their feelings without even realizing it. And once that damage is done, it can be hard to repair.
As the famous psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg once said, “Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing.”
To maintain friendships, we need to make sure we’re giving them the respect and understanding they deserve.
2) Inconsistent communication
Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship, and friendships are no exception.
Those who struggle with maintaining friendships often have inconsistent communication patterns. One moment, they’re texting you non-stop, and the next, they’re MIA for weeks.
I recall a friend of mine from college. We were thick as thieves during the semester, but during the holidays she would disappear entirely.
Calls, texts, emails – all went unanswered. When she resurfaced after the break, she behaved as if nothing happened.
This inconsistency left me feeling confused and unimportant. Over time, the friendship faded away because it was too exhausting to navigate her unpredictable communication patterns.
As the saying goes, “Friendship is a two-way street.” If you want to maintain strong friendships, consistent and reliable communication is key.
3) Lack of reciprocity
Friendships aren’t about keeping score, but there should be a sense of balance and fairness over time.
People who struggle with keeping friends often lack this sense of reciprocity. They might be the ones always taking – asking for favors, advice, or support without offering much in return.
Or they might be the ones always giving, smothering their friends with attention and help to the point where it becomes overwhelming.
In my book “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego“, I delve into the concept of the Middle Way, a central tenet of Buddhism. It’s all about balance – not leaning too far to either extreme.
Applying this principle to friendships can provide a healthier dynamic. It’s about being there for your friends when they need you, but also allowing them to support you in return.
And it’s about respecting boundaries, knowing when to step in and when to step back.
As Aristotle wisely said, “Friendship is essentially a partnership.” For it to work, both parties need to feel that they’re benefiting from the relationship.
4) Difficulty with conflict resolution
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, including friendships. However, how we handle these disagreements can often make or break the bond.
People who have difficulty maintaining friendships commonly struggle with conflict resolution.
They often avoid conflict altogether, letting issues simmer under the surface until they boil over. Or they escalate disagreements into full-blown arguments, causing unnecessary damage.
Psychology suggests effective conflict resolution involves active listening, expressing your feelings without blame, and seeking a compromise that satisfies both parties.
Those struggling with friendships could benefit from developing these skills. Instead of viewing conflicts as threats, see them as opportunities for growth and deeper understanding.
5) Over-reliance on the friendship
It might seem counter-intuitive, but relying too heavily on a friendship can actually be detrimental to its health.
People who struggle with maintaining friendships often lean too much on their friends, expecting them to fulfill all of their emotional needs.
They seek constant reassurance, demand excessive attention, or become overly dependent.
While it’s natural to lean on friends for support, it’s also important to maintain a sense of individuality and self-sufficiency. Over-reliance can lead to an unhealthy dynamic and put undue stress on the relationship.
A friendship is meant to complement your life, not consume it.
As the celebrated psychiatrist Carl Jung wisely noted, “The healthy man does not torture others – generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers.” Achieve balance in your friendships by finding fulfillment within yourself as well.
6) Failure to respect boundaries
Boundaries are the invisible lines that define how we want to be treated. They’re crucial in any relationship, including friendships.
People who have trouble maintaining friendships often fail to respect these boundaries. They might consistently invade personal space, monopolize time, or disregard feelings and opinions.
Respecting boundaries is about understanding and honoring the other person’s needs and limits. It requires open communication, understanding, and mutual respect.
Failure to do so can make the friendship feel burdensome or even toxic.
To maintain healthy friendships, we must learn to respect these boundaries.
Shared experiences are the glue that binds friendships together. They create memories, foster understanding, and build a common ground.
There was a time when a close friend and I seemed to drift apart. We both had demanding jobs and busy lives. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and we hadn’t spent any quality time together.
Our once vibrant friendship started to feel distant and strained. It wasn’t until we started making an effort to share experiences – be it a simple coffee catch-up or a weekend getaway – that our bond began to strengthen again.
Shared experiences are a testament to the investment you’re willing to make in the friendship.
8) Not acknowledging mistakes
Nobody’s perfect. We all make mistakes. But how we handle those mistakes can greatly impact our friendships.
People who struggle with maintaining friendships often have a hard time acknowledging their errors. They might deflect blame, make excuses, or even ignore the issue altogether.
This behavior can erode trust and create resentment in the friendship. Conversely, acknowledging mistakes, apologizing sincerely, and making amends can help to heal wounds and strengthen the bond.
As humans, we’re all works in progress. Owning up to our missteps not only shows maturity but also demonstrates respect for the friendship.
It’s all about growth
Human behavior, especially in terms of social interactions, is a complex web of personal experiences, emotions, and intrinsic traits. The way we navigate friendships is no exception to this.
The behaviors discussed above are not meant to label or condemn, but rather to illuminate patterns that might be hindering our ability to maintain friendships.
By recognizing these behaviors in ourselves, we open the door to self-improvement and healthier relationships.
In my book “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego“, I dive into the concept of self-awareness and its pivotal role in personal growth and interpersonal relationships. Applying these principles can help us become better friends and enrich our social lives.
Keep growing, keep learning, and keep nurturing our friendships. Because at the end of the day, it’s these connections that truly enrich our lives.
