If you grew up with divorced parents, you might feel like that chapter of your life is behind you. But the truth is, the effects of that experience can linger well into adulthood.
You may notice certain patterns in your behavior, relationships, or how you cope with challenges that stem from your childhood.
In this article, we’ll explore eight common behaviors often seen in those of us who experienced parental divorce.
This isn’t about laying blame; it’s about identifying patterns and fostering self-awareness.
1) Increased independence
Children of divorce often find themselves shouldering responsibilities at a young age. This early independence can manifest in various ways throughout their adult life.
With their parents embroiled in their own issues, these kids sometimes have to fend for themselves, emotionally and practically. This can lead to a highly developed sense of self-reliance.
As adults, they may be fiercely independent, capable, and self-driven. They’re used to making decisions on their own and don’t easily rely on others.
However, it’s important to remember that this independence can also sometimes veer towards isolation. If this is you, you might struggle to ask for help when you need it most.
2) Difficulty with trust
Trust is a tricky business when you’ve witnessed the dissolution of a marriage firsthand. I know this because I’ve lived it.
Coming from a divorced family, I’ve seen promises broken and commitments not met. This has led to an ingrained skepticism that follows me even today in my adult relationships.
It’s not that I intentionally assume the worst of people, but there’s this subconscious expectation that things might fall apart, because they did once. It’s like a defense mechanism to prepare for the potential disappointment.
Recognizing this pattern was the first step towards working on it. Now, I’m more conscious of allowing people to earn my trust, rather than carrying my past into new relationships.
3) Higher adaptability
Did you know that chameleons change color to adapt to their environment? In many ways, children of divorced parents do the same.
Growing up amidst changing family dynamics, different homes, and alternating custody schedules, these individuals often become experts at adapting to new situations.
This ability can serve them well in their adult life, making them more flexible and open to changes. They tend to handle life’s curveballs with a certain grace because they’ve been doing it since childhood.
However, constant adaptation can sometimes lead to a lack of stability or the feeling of not having a ‘base’. Adaptability is a strength, but like all strengths, it needs to be balanced.
4) Struggle with intimacy
Divorce can sometimes create a sense of insecurity within a child. Having seen their parents’ marriage end, they might carry an underlying fear that their own relationships could meet the same fate.
As adults, individuals who experienced parental divorce might find themselves grappling with intimacy and vulnerability.
The instinct to protect oneself can make it incredibly challenging to fully open up to a partner. They may hold back from sharing their true feelings or fears, worried that doing so could expose them to pain or rejection.
This avoidance can create a cycle of emotional distance, making it difficult to forge deep connections or maintain healthy relationships.
However, this struggle is not an insurmountable hurdle. With self-awareness and understanding, you can learn to navigate your fears and embrace intimacy in a healthy way.
5) Deep appreciation for harmony
Growing up amidst the discord of a divorce, these individuals often develop a deep appreciation for peace and harmony. They know what conflict feels like, and they don’t want to repeat it in their own lives.
As adults, they often strive to create a peaceful environment around them. They may go the extra mile to avoid confrontations or to ensure everyone feels comfortable and heard.
This appreciation for harmony can make them excellent friends, partners, and coworkers. Their experiences have taught them the value of peace, and they carry that lesson with them.
6) Seeking control
Divorce can often leave children feeling helpless and out of control. I know because I’ve felt it.
The decisions are made by adults, often leaving the child to simply deal with the consequences.
This can shape a person’s behavior in adulthood. You might seek control in various aspects of your life as a way to compensate for those early feelings of helplessness.
For instance, I’ve found myself obsessing over plans, details, and organization. It took me a while to realize that this was my way of creating a sense of control that I didn’t have as a child.
Recognizing this pattern has allowed me to find healthier ways to cope and regain balance in my life. It’s all part of the journey towards understanding ourselves better.
7) Resilience
Experiencing a divorce can be a tough ordeal for a kid. But, as the saying goes, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Children of divorced parents often grow up to be remarkably resilient. They’ve faced adversity early on and have learned that they can weather the storm.
As adults, they are often able to handle setbacks and challenges more effectively. They know that difficult times will pass and that they have the strength to get through them.
Recognizing this resilience can be empowering. It’s not about dwelling on the past, but acknowledging how it has contributed to your strength today.
8) Desire for a strong family unit
Despite the turmoil they may have experienced, many children of divorce hold a strong desire to create a stable and loving family unit of their own.
They’ve seen what they don’t want, and it often fuels them to strive for what they do want.
As adults, they are often deeply committed to their relationships, determined to create a secure and nurturing environment for their own children.
This desire is a testament to your strength and determination. It’s proof that our past can influence us, but it doesn’t dictate our future. We have the power to choose a different path.
Final reflections: The power of understanding
Growing up with divorced parents can leave a lasting imprint on how we navigate relationships as adults. These eight behaviors highlight the complex emotional landscape many carry into their adult lives.
Still, while these patterns may stem from childhood experiences, they don’t have to define our futures.
Embracing vulnerability, seeking support, and being open to change can empower us to break free from the shadows of our past. By doing so, we not only enhance our relationships but also pave the way for personal growth and fulfillment.
