It takes more than 200 hours before someone can be considered a close friend, yet many unknowingly sabotage their chances of building deep connections long before reaching that point.
Small, unnoticed behaviors can push people away, even when they think they’re doing nothing wrong.
These habits can keep friendships at arm’s length, preventing them from ever reaching the level of closeness they deserve.
In this article, we’ll reveal 8 subtle behaviors that make forming close friendships harder than they need to be, and why they might be happening without you realizing it.
1) They avoid vulnerability
In the world of friendships, vulnerability plays a crucial role.
Why, you ask?
Well, vulnerability is the gateway to intimacy. It’s about lowering your guard, revealing your true self, and allowing others to see you – with all your strengths and weaknesses.
People who lack close friendships hesitate to show vulnerability. They may fear judgment or rejection, and as a result, they keep their defenses up.
Without vulnerability, it’s difficult to create deep connections. People feel closer to those who are open and genuine with them – it makes them feel trusted and valued.
If you or someone you know rarely shows vulnerability, it might be one of the factors hindering the formation of close friendships.
It’s not about spilling all your secrets at once, but rather about taking gradual steps towards openness and authenticity.
2) They struggle with empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others—stepping into their world and experiencing their joy, pain, or excitement. It’s the essence of true connection.
Why is empathy so vital in friendships?
Because it strengthens the bond between people. When we empathize, we acknowledge someone’s emotions and experiences, making them feel seen and understood.
Now, imagine sharing something personal with a friend, only to be met with indifference or dismissal. It doesn’t feel good, does it?
People who lack strong connections find it difficult to relate to the emotions and perspectives of others. As Brené Brown puts it, “Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.” Without empathy, forming those meaningful connections becomes much harder.
3) They prioritize their needs over others
After reading about empathy, you may be thinking that it’s all about understanding and prioritizing others’ feelings. And while that’s true to an extent, there’s a flip side to the coin.
Individuals who struggle to form strong relationships prioritize their own needs over those of others.
Now, this doesn’t mean that prioritizing your needs is wrong. In fact, self-care and setting personal boundaries are essential for healthy relationships.
The issue arises when your needs consistently outweigh the needs of others in your interactions.
When this happens, it can create an imbalance in the relationship, making the other person feel undervalued or neglected.
This counter-intuitive behavior might be a barrier preventing you from forming close friendships.
Understanding this can help you reassess your approach to interpersonal relationships and promote a more balanced give-and-take dynamic.
4) They have a fear of commitment
Ever hesitated to commit to a plan or even a simple catch-up with a friend?
This might be more significant than you realize.
People who have trouble building meaningful friendships often experience a fear of commitment.
Commitment in friendships goes beyond just sticking to plans—it’s about investing time, energy, and emotional effort into the relationship.
This fear may stem from various factors, such as a fear of dependence, past disappointments, or a desire for personal freedom.
However, it can prevent deep friendships from flourishing.
After all, meaningful friendships require mutual investment and consistency. Without committing to the relationship, it may remain shallow and never evolve into something deeper.
C.S. Lewis perfectly captured this: “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’” It’s the commitment to connecting and sharing that fosters lasting bonds.
5) They exhibit passive-aggressive behavior
Passive-aggressive behavior is another frequent trait seen in individuals who find it hard to build close friendships.
What does such behavior look like? Here are a few examples:
- Making sarcastic remarks
- Procrastinating or intentionally making mistakes
- Giving the silent treatment
- Denying feelings of anger or resentment
This behavior creates an uncomfortable dynamic in relationships. It sends mixed signals and fosters mistrust – not exactly the foundation for close friendships.
6) They struggle with active listening
Let’s be honest. We’ve all had moments when we’re physically present in a conversation, but our minds are somewhere else.
People who find it hard to form deep connections often experience this more frequently.
Active listening is more than just hearing words—it’s being mentally present, showing genuine interest, and responding thoughtfully.
I can’t stress enough how crucial active listening is in friendships.
When we truly listen, we make others feel valued and understood, allowing for deeper and more meaningful conversations.
Stephen R. Covey famously remarked, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Listening with the intent to understand strengthens relationships and helps create real connections.
7) They often shift the focus to themselves
Imagine you’re sharing a challenging experience with a friend, and before you even finish, they start talking about a similar situation in their life.
How does that make you feel?
People who lack close friendships tend to shift the focus back to themselves. Whether it’s during a casual chat or a deep conversation, they somehow bring the spotlight back to their experiences, emotions, or perspectives.
Now, sharing personal experiences isn’t a bad thing. It can help relate and build connections.
However, consistently shifting the focus to oneself can make others feel unheard or undervalued. It disrupts the balance of give-and-take in a conversation, which is critical for deep connections.
So, next time you’re in a conversation, try to ask yourself: Am I giving space for the other person to express themselves? Or am I habitually shifting the focus back to me?
This self-reflection could be your first step towards building stronger, closer friendships.
8) They avoid conflict
I remember a friend who would go to great lengths to avoid any form of conflict. Even when something bothered her, she would keep it to herself rather than addressing it. Over time, this led to a buildup of resentment and eventually harmed her friendships.
People who find it difficult to form deep connections often exhibit a similar behavior—steering clear of conflict.
No one enjoys conflict. It’s uncomfortable and often difficult to navigate. But it’s a natural part of any relationship, including friendships.
Avoiding conflict may seem like a good idea at first, but over time, it hinders honest communication and problem resolution. This can lead to misunderstandings and create a barrier to forming deeper connections.
Rather than avoiding conflict, it’s more productive to learn how to manage it constructively. Expressing your feelings and perspectives honestly, yet respectfully, is a skill that can strengthen any friendship.
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. wisely reminded us, “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” Silence in the face of conflict can be just as damaging as words left unspoken. Healthy communication, even when difficult, is what ultimately keeps friendships strong.
Where do we go from here?
Recognizing these behaviors is the first step toward fostering deeper, more meaningful friendships.
It’s not about perfection but about growth—learning to be more present, empathetic, and vulnerable with others. Friendships, after all, are built on mutual trust, effort, and understanding.
If any of these behaviors resonate with you, it’s never too late to change. Start by reflecting on your interactions, practicing active listening, and being open to both vulnerability and conflict.
By doing so, you’ll find that the connections you form will become stronger and more fulfilling.
As you work towards cultivating these qualities, remember: that friendships require patience and commitment. The more effort you put into understanding yourself and others, the richer your relationships will become.
