For the longest time, I’ve been fascinated by how early experiences shape our adult lives.
You know what I’m talking about:
– Relentless independence
– Emotional resilience
– Self-reliance to a fault
– Trouble asking for help
Well, that’s me, Lachlan Brown, founder of Hack Spirit and a self-proclaimed psychology enthusiast. I was that kid who learned to rely on himself too early in life. And let me tell you, it has shaped me in ways more than one as an adult.
As someone who’s been there, and done that, I’ve spent years pondering the psychology behind it. How does early self-reliance impact us as we grow up? What traits does it foster in us?
Through my exploration and understanding of psychology, I’ve uncovered some fascinating insights. In this article, I’m going to delve into those very traits that individuals like me develop when they’ve had to rely on themselves too soon in life.
So let’s dive in.
1) Fierce independence
The first trait I noticed in myself, and later found to be common among those who learned to rely on themselves too early, is a fierce sense of independence.
For us, it’s not just about wanting to do things by ourselves; it’s almost a compulsion. We find it hard to ask for help, even when we need it.
Psychology explains this as a coping mechanism we developed early on. When we had to fend for ourselves at a young age, we had no choice but to be independent. And as we grow into adults, this ingrained habit doesn’t just fade away.
But here’s the thing: being independent isn’t inherently bad. It can be a great strength. It means we’re resourceful, self-reliant, and often very capable.
However, the challenge comes when our independence becomes a barrier to asking for help or forming deep relationships with others.
If this resonates with you, my advice is to take small steps towards allowing others in. Start with something simple: ask a friend for help with a task you’d normally do yourself. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but over time, you’ll start to see the value in interdependence as much as independence.
2) Emotional resilience
Another trait I’ve found common among us early self-reliant folks is emotional resilience. This one hits home for me in a big way.
I remember a significant event in my life when I was just 12 years old. My parents were going through a rough patch, and their focus was anywhere but on me. I had to navigate my own emotions, figuring out how to cope with feelings of abandonment and fear.
Growing up that way, I developed an ability to handle emotional distress without crumbling under its weight. I became resilient, able to bounce back from tough situations without falling apart.
Psychologists have observed this trait among people who have had to rely on themselves early in life. They often develop a high level of emotional resilience because they’ve had to.
The renowned psychologist Carl Rogers once said: “The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction not a destination.” These words resonate deeply with me because they reflect the journey of emotional resilience that many of us have had to embark on from a young age.
While resilience can be an asset, it’s important to note that it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t allow ourselves to feel or express our emotions. It’s okay to lean on others for emotional support too. Remember, resilience also involves knowing when and how to seek help when needed.
3) Difficulty trusting others
Trust has always been a tricky thing for me, and it’s another trait that tends to show up in adults who had to rely on themselves early on in life.
In my case, I was often let down by the adults in my life as a kid. I learned from a young age that I couldn’t always count on others to be there for me, to keep their promises, or to meet my needs.
So, I built walls. It was easier and safer to just rely on myself.
As an adult, this translated into a deep-seated difficulty in trusting others. I found myself doubting people’s intentions, expecting them to let me down even if they had given me no reason to think they would.
The thing is, while this self-protective behavior might have served us well as kids, it can be a hindrance in our adult relationships. Trust is a fundamental component of any healthy relationship – be it personal or professional.
If you find yourself struggling with trust issues like I did, remember it’s okay to take baby steps. Start by opening up about small things, and gradually work your way up as your comfort level increases. It’s not an overnight process, but the richness that trust brings to relationships makes it worthwhile.
4) High achievers
An interesting trait I’ve found among those who learned to rely on themselves early in life is that they often turn into high achievers. I can certainly relate to this one.
From a young age, I felt this burning need to prove myself, to show the world that I was capable and competent. I threw myself into my studies, into sports, into any and every activity where I could excel.
And it seems I’m not alone in this. A study by the University of Georgia found that children who learn to take care of themselves at an early age often become high achievers later in life. They develop a strong work ethic, are highly motivated, and tend to set high standards for themselves.
While being a high achiever can lead to great success, it’s important to remember that it’s okay to not be perfect all the time. We must learn to balance our drive for success with self-care and self-compassion.
5) Struggle with intimacy
The final trait I want to discuss is one that hit me hard in my adult life: the struggle with intimacy.
Because of my early experiences, I found myself keeping people at arm’s length. I was independent, sure, but I also feared being vulnerable, opening up, and allowing someone to really know me.
As an adult, this translated into difficulty forming deep, intimate relationships. I could make friends, even date, but when things started to get serious, I would pull away.
I’ve found this to be a common thread among those who had to rely on themselves too early. It seems that when you’re used to doing everything on your own and not trusting others easily, letting someone in can feel incredibly risky.
But here’s what I’ve learned: Intimacy is essential for fulfilling relationships and genuine connection. It’s okay to be vulnerable and let others see the real you. It’s scary, I know, but it’s also incredibly rewarding when you finally let those walls down.
6) Overcompensating responsibility
Growing up, I felt this overwhelming responsibility for everything around me. It felt like if I didn’t take care of things, no one would.
This early sense of responsibility turned into overcompensation as an adult. I found myself taking on more than I could handle, feeling responsible for others’ feelings and outcomes that were beyond my control.
Psychotherapist Carl Jung once said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” This quote resonates with me deeply because it reminds me of how our early experiences unknowingly shaped our adult behaviors.
In my case, it took a while to realize that I was overcompensating and that it was okay to let go of some responsibilities. It’s important to remember that while being responsible is a positive trait, taking on too much can lead to burnout and stress.
If this rings true for you, try to practice letting go of things that are beyond your control and focus on those areas where you can make a real difference. Remember, it’s okay to set boundaries and ask for help when needed.
7) Fear of success
Now, this one might seem counterintuitive at first. After all, we’ve already discussed how early self-reliance often translates into being high achievers. But here’s a paradox: sometimes, we might also develop a fear of success.
I’ve felt this myself. As I started achieving more, a part of me became afraid. What if I couldn’t live up to the expectations? What if I lost everything I’d worked so hard for?
Success, as it turns out, can be just as daunting as failure. It brings its own kind of pressure and can be particularly overwhelming for those of us who’ve had to rely on ourselves from a young age.
However, it’s crucial to not let this fear hold us back. After all, success is not the end point; it’s part of the journey.
Here’s a practical tip: If you find yourself fearing success, try reframing your thoughts. Instead of worrying about the potential downsides of success, focus on the opportunities it brings and the ways in which you can continue to grow.
Conclusion
Recognizing these traits in ourselves is the first step towards understanding why we act the way we do and how our early experiences have shaped us. But remember, we’re not bound by our past.
While these traits might have developed as survival mechanisms, they do not define us. We have the power to change, to grow, and to cultivate healthier habits and relationships.
So, if you’ve had to rely on yourself too early in life, take heart. Recognize these traits, embrace the strengths they bring, and work on the areas that need improvement. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help and allow others in.
Keep growing, keep learning, and most importantly, keep moving forward. Life is a journey of self-discovery and each step brings us closer to understanding ourselves better.
